Category: butch whispers

My name is Ki Harris, I was raised in Houston, TX but now live in Austin (ATX). I was competing in the Texas Relays the first time I visited ATX. I was still closeted and living a double life as a teen– exhausting, to say the least. My relationship with my girlfriend was a secret kept from everyone in my life except my two closest friends. I remember exploring this city and identifying with the “Keep Austin Weird” sentiment locals like to tout. As corny as it sounds, I really did see it reflected in the people and the culture. For the first time, I saw folks like me really living fearlessly and authentically, out loud, in public, and in the daylight.

I made up my mind then and there that I would do whatever it took to make a life for myself in this city. I applied to the University of Texas at Austin and the rest is history, really.

Recently, I started a business to serve my local queer community. As a stylist, tailor, and designer, I am a resource for folks who break traditional gender norms when it comes to style. I feel pride especially in serving those who identify as non-binary, genderfluid, gender-nonconforming, and/or LGBTQ+. Swankki is a brand and service that celebrates and encapsulates the extraordinary ways we adorn our bodies to express ourselves.

1. What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?

The funniest memory from my dating life is probably my coming out story. It’s so ironic to think about what felt like the scariest moment in my life turning into the funniest after all these years. Since I was in high school, living at home and fully lying about my whereabouts half the time, it was only a matter of time before my mama’s intuition forced me out of the closet.

I was spending time at my girlfriend’s house. It was innocent. We were cuddled up in bed watching Law & Order: SVU when my mama called to see when I’d be home. I assured her my speech and debate competition would be over soonish and I’d be on my way, all of which were lies. I was literally laying in my girlfriend’s bed at the time with no sense of urgency to get back home. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone or at least I thought I had– rookie mistake….

My mama stayed on the line and eavesdropped just enough to confirm her suspicion. When I actually did get on the road, I called back to let her know I was on my way and she confronted me about what she had heard. I was caught, thankfully so in hindsight because I don’t know how else I would’ve garnered the nerve to come straight out and say, “Yes! I’m gay and my girlfriend is too!”

2. How does being butch positively impact your life? What’s been / what is the hardest thing about being butch for you?

As someone who gets “sir-ed” on a regular basis, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my perception of myself and how others perceive me are not always going to align. It says more about them and their limited mindset than it does about me. I used to get really agitated and would go out of my way to make it clear to the offender that I was indeed a woman, a “ma’am” if you will. It all seems so silly to me now, a waste of time and energy. Like, how could I pride myself on defying gender norms in my presentation and self-expression only to pigeonhole myself when it comes to language?? I answer to any pronouns now as long as you’re polite, and it has been so freeing. I’m still on this journey of self-discovery and being butch is only one part of the puzzle.

3. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

Butch doesn’t inherently mean hard or cold. I’m soft despite the world’s many attempts to harden me and force me to be something I’m not. I will always take pride in being soft and malleable because rigidity is a result of fear.

4. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

Financial freedom is on my bucket list. The possibility of earning passive income while traveling the world gives me a hard-on every time I think about it.

I’m black. I’m queer, and I’m a butch woman. I sometimes refer to this trifecta/intersection as a “triple threat”, because there are more folks against me than for me. I’ve worked extremely hard for everything I have, and I’ve come to understand that the invisible forces working against me compound with each identity.

As black folks, it is instilled in us that we must work twice as hard to get half as far. Now imagine stacking two more historically oppressed identities on top of that. As I get older, I understand more and more that this harsh reality is what my mother was trying to protect me from all those times she insisted I hide and suppress my true self. The older I get the less I hold that against her, because she really was just trying to protect me the only way she knew how.

5. I thought I’d always be at odds with my mama; turns out people really can change.

I thought I’d always be at odds with my mama; turns out people really can change…

@swank_ki

I’m Rhye. I am a trans-masc non-binary butch, my Mum is Indonesian and my Dad is Australian. I grew up in Australia but spent the last 5/6 years in Ireland, where my partner is from. It is funny in itself reading those lines back to myself, as they are all identities I spent a portion of my life not wanting to be. All of these identities existed in the ‘in between’; mixed race, non-binary, and living between two countries that are on opposite sides of the world.

Amongst I thought of my body as the DMZ; an area of conflict, something I wanted to escape, something to fear. I guess in all of it, I came full circle. The identities that I spent the most time running away from are now the lining of the cloak of self-love that I wrap myself in and through all those ‘in between’ zones, I learned to find a home in my body; my safe haven. Cheers to therapy right?

1. What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?

I don’t know if this is what the question is, but once when my partner of nine years and I were visiting an art gallery in Edinburgh. It was unsurprising raining and in winter, so our gloves were wet. We got into the gallery and were arranging our things when she picks up the wet glove and slaps me in the face with it. We then proceeded to chase each other through the museum, hysterically laughing and slapping each other in the face with these wet gloves. We were laughing after imagining that we knocked a statue over or something, and when the museum director asked us how it happened, we’d have to explain that we were chasing each other to slap each other in the face with a wet glove.

2. How does being butch positively impact your life? 

Being butch was something that I rejected for a long time. When you grow up with so many societal norms that vilify any hint of masculinity in anyone that isn’t a cis guy, it’s not something you initially aspire to be. But then I learned to start shedding these predetermined pathways that we are conditioned to move along and undoing what was expected of me. In it, I learned to embrace being butch/ masc and be the goddamn twink-butch I was destined to be.

Through it I leaned into being a protector, to be chivalrous, to be soft, to be vulnerable to love harder, to love myself.

3. What’s the hardest thing about being butch for you?

The hardest thing is the lack of representation, and feeling like we are seen and held in the queer community. Ultimately you just want to, and for lack of better words, to feel hot (said in a Paris Hilton accent). But in truth, it is really hard to aspire to something when only a two-dimensional male-centric image is represented. Cheers to more bottom-butch hot joy. To representation of butches being complex (like everyone is) but without trauma.

4. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

The hardest thing is the misconception of masculinity or butchness; that it is synonymous with being aggressive, hard, or toxic. Like it runs in parallel to toxic masculinity. In truth, being butch has bought more tenderness out in me. While butch is not a homogenous group of people, I wish there was a better understanding of the softness that exists. That it embodies so much more than iron-clad flannel-wearing motorbike riding lesbianing. But don’t get me wrong, I too aspire to that, but I am also here for the vulnerability, tenderness, and love that exists adjacent to it.

5. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?

There is a load of people that I am learning from and continue to learn from. But to be the biggest cliche, my therapist is high up in the ranks. To have a safe space each week, for all your information to be confined to the four walls, to have someone unbiased on purely on your side, who holds a mirror up to yourself, but also helps you dissect your traumas, is such a privilege. I truly won’t be the person I am if I hadn’t committed to doing the work on myself and having someone by my side through it all.

My name is Mariko Yoshiwara and am more commonly known in the queer and art community as Riko. I go by she/her pronouns. I was born and raised in the greater Portland metro area, specifically the East side. Portland has always been a safe place to be myself and explore the many parts of my identity. Portland provides quick access to the quietness of nature, the vastness of forests, and live music. All the reasons to stay in Portland.

I spend my life doing the things I love, connecting with people, and living with purpose. For 13 years carrying the identity of a teacher, it was an easy way to describe who I was and what I did. Now, it is not as easy. I barista most mornings and fill my afternoons with maintaining my art business around pyrography. I enjoy playing pool and spending as much time outside as possible, camping, paddling, snowshoeing, neighborhood walks, etc. Overall, I have found purpose to be living as authentically as possible and connecting with people and communities to help cultivate deeper human experience and connections.

I engage in opportunities that allow me to fulfill this purpose, especially through art expression. The newest venture is spoken word and sharing my stories with others. I recently applied for a Tedx Talk in Massachusetts.

1. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s the hardest thing about being butch for you?

I had never identified as being butch before being invited to participate in this interview, but since I was, it got me thinking, and I have evaluated what “being butch” is. I suppose being “butch” is all the parts of me that do not conform to the gender norm. In that case, the most positive thing about being butch is I get to express myself, move and engage with others in my most authentic and organic way. The hardest thing about being “butch” is being labeled as such. Being labeled has always felt restricting to me. I agreed to participate in this interview because the world views me as butch, and if that’s how the world sees me, then I want to be seen as the “butch” I am. Not the “butch” the world wants to sees butches as.

2. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

I don’t blush easily, but I want to buy property and live in the woods. I want to create a dream space for community where there are goats and art. A space where people explore themselves and grow from connections with others. A space that is safe and empowers creativity and inspires self-exploration.

3. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?

Honestly, I have learned the most from myself. With the support and gentle nudges of my therapist along the way. People, experiences, and culture have provided a vast amount of learning opportunities. I have learned from all of these. I believe learning is growth and by experiencing these moments and people the growth happens in the mindset I choose to move through it with. Exploring myself, reflecting on external impacts and evaluating how I feel and where I end up is my true learning through my own lens of the world around me. Moving through the world with patience, self-grace, a growth mindset, and curiosity are my best learning tools.

4. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?

I am currently stepping into a chapter in my life where I address the unfulfilled parts of myself. I taught for 13 years; thought I would retire as a public educator. I became stagnant and felt trapped. There was this growing pain of unfulfilled experiences. I left teaching a year ago, without a plan. I am now surrounded with a life I could never have imagined with opportunities ahead of me that I could never have dreamed up in my most dreamy dreams. I established a small business and am taking workshops to learn how to be an entrepreneur. I am making and selling art. I am sharing my stories and experiences through writing and spoken word. I am connecting with new communities and feeling an abundance in opportunities in the future of the unknown.

6. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?

The best thing I have been wrong about is ever thinking or assuming I had anything figured out.

@myoshiwa

My name is Jo Cosme and I’m from Río Piedras, Puerto Rico. I’ve lived all my life in Puerto Rico, but currently I am living in Seattle. After Hurricane María, I lost my job and was displaced. I moved to the Northwest to start over and find a more economically stable circumstance so I could also help my mom back home .

I am a visual artist. Whenever I’m not at my day job, I’m usually working on an art project or launching new stuff for my shop: Tienda Bandida.

1. Tell me your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life.

I think one of the funniest things about my dating life is that I perpetually never know if it’s a date or not.

2. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s been / what is the hardest thing about being butch for you?

In Puerto Rico, being gay still hasn’t been socially accepted. So, to no surprise, if you’re a butch – you will be subject to all forms of violence, ongoing ridicule and unemployment. Growing up Catholic and in Puerto Rico, I internalized all the misogyny, butchphobia and lesbophobia that surrounded me for many years. I was so ashamed of myself because I was unable to act or look like a “normal” woman. I hated myself for not being born a man. For years I tried to destroy these parts of me, which led to a lot of self-destructive actions and identity issues. Later, when I began to make peace with my butchness, many women I dated or went out with would expect me to act like a man or treated me like one – which wasn’t healthy either. I found myself projecting many toxic masculine traits and I hated my body.

Fast forward, after a lot of growth and work – I’ve begun to heal my butchness. In time, I learned how to be soft, how to practice healthy masculinity, and build relationships with women who could love me for who I was and what I had to offer (not their projections of me). My butchness doesn’t make me any less of a woman nor does it make me any less feminine. Masculinity and femininity co-exist beautifully within me. Only through accepting my butch self could I find this sense of balance. It’s a work in process, but I’m learning to love the many, many grey areas inside butchness and what it means to be a Puerto Rican butch lesbian woman.

3. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

I can’t limit it to just one, but here are a few important things for people to know about MY butchness: One, as this page states – Butch is NOT a dirty word and it is NOT a bad identity. Don’t come at me with that “You can be a lesbian, but just don’t be butch” narrative. Hard pass. Two, there isn’t a correct way to be butch. There’s no such thing for me as, “too butch” or “too soft to be butch”. And because I’m butch it doesn’t inherently mean I’m gonna be in command at all times – I also wanna be asked out, cuddled and cared for. Three, butches have always existed and we have always been disrupting the gender binary and the heteropatriarchy. And lastly, because I’m a butch it doesn’t fundamentally mean I want to be anything other than a masculine woman. I wish people would stop misgendering or questioning me when I have already stated who I identify as and what pronouns I use.

4. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

Something that makes me blush? All I know is, that Hard Femmes make me blush point-blank.

5. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?

In high school, I had a very influential teacher who later became the big sister I’d always dreamed of as an only child. She not only provided me with a safe place from the bullies in the classroom, but she also helped me develop my critical thinking skills. She exposed how being LGBTQ was perfectly normal and helped me navigate depression and my neuro-divergent brain. Her guidance could not have come at a more crucial time. This experience taught me how undervalued educators are in our society. Some teachers out there really do save lives.

6. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?

A lezbro that lives close to me. My current ones live far away and I miss having that everyday closeness of picking each other up randomly at our houses, going to play pool together, watching movies, keeping each other updated on the current chisme, etc.

7. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?

That I’m not strictly a top. Aaaaand with that I learned I don’t have to be one just because I’m butch.

@jo.cosme

I’m a third generation Mexican-American Butch Lesbian, eldest daughter confronting all the machismo that permeates mi cultura and living proof that healthy masculinity exists. I’m originally from Whittier (where the girls are prettier) currently living in Palmdale, CA. When I was in middle school lack of rent control and budding gentrification pushed my family out of our Chicanx Barrio and into the high desert of LA County where rent was cheaper and the streets were supposed to be quieter. As much as the clear blue skies and peaceful hiking trails of Palmdale have a place in my heart, I plan on moving back to my hometown eventually to rejoin all the beautiful gente still there holding it down for the Brown.

I work as a political/community organizer, it’s something I came into by necessity. I was working as a forklift driver in a warehouse (a right of passage for many a butch) and began attending my Union meetings in the hopes of securing a living wage and safer working conditions. Nearly seven years later I’ve staffed campaigns on the state and national level, lobbied on Capitol Hill and worked to defund the LA County Sheriff’s Department, all while still showing up as a rank and file member for various anti-capitalist organizations that prize direct action over the indirect actions of voting and lobbying. It can be tough to balance electoral organizing in my professional life while being so critical of it in my private life, especially when my “comrades” are critical of the way I sell my labor. I strongly believe in utilizing a diversity of tactics and find it’s easier to show up as a Brown Butch Dyke in a workspace with a bunch of bleeding heart liberals, no matter how flawed they can be, compared to the toxic masculine environment of the warehouse.

1. Tell me your funniest memory from your dating life.

During the primary season of the last presidential election I was working the debate in Atlanta and my partner at the time came out to join me. Halfway through our stay we realized Bernie Sanders was staying in the same hotel, on the floor directly above us. So yeah, I had gay sex a few feet away from Senator Sanders. You’re welcome, America.

2. What’s something you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 12?

I think of this often, if 12 year old me saw present day me in the grocery store or something she would be in awe. I would be her hero. I was Butch since birth and every adult told me it was a phase that I would have to leave behind when I grew up. When I started high school I tried to do just that, I was a poor excuse for a femme and for the first time felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I spent many years disconnected from myself and my passions. When I embraced my butch identity everything in my life begin to fall into place. I also wish I knew that my friends were going to be more supportive than I could’ve imagined and that I was gonna have some smokin’ hot girlfriends. Like seriously, if I would’ve known that one day I’d be in a Venice beach house with my partner the hot stripper I would’ve came out as soon as I knew. We are, after all, an army of lovers.

3. How does being butch positively impact your life?

Being a woman who identifies as masculine of center has given me such a comprehensive perspective when it comes to what this society asks of people based on how they show up. Butch is often overlooked when the gender spectrum is discussed. When I encounter people who have genuine questions on what it means to be Butch the conversation always goes to a place where it becomes difficult to pin point where femininity begins and masculinity ends. It’s all the human condition, it’s all natural. Every time I set foot in public or post a picture of myself I know my gender bending appearance and personality is not only challenging people’s perception of masculinity and femininity but their entire perception of reality. I’m blessed to have this experience in this life. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

4. What is the hardest thing about being butch for you?

It’s still troublesome to have to engage with folks who think that they can strip me of my womanhood just because, in their eyes, I’m not feminine enough to call myself a woman or use she/her pronouns. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with this kind of mentality a lot from so-called progressives, leftists, family and even exes. From the time I was a child I was always asked “are you a girl or a boy?” “No you’re not, prove it!” and still at the age of 31 I deal with this.

It isn’t easy to heal from a wound that is constantly being picked at and being someone who doesn’t mind having deep discussions on gender and identity it’s easy for me to fall into the trap and not realize until it’s too late. I’m learning how to identify the people who want to break me down and that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but it’s a process.

5. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

My Butch identity is also a celebration of my heritage. I know it can even seem contradictory at times since the Mexican/Chicanx cultura is dominated by flippant misogynists. It’s important for us to have a space in the conversation and be visible. Queer and gender nonconforming Mexicans have always existed and we contribute to the community as well. I remember being young and seeing my dad and tíos in their Ben Davis shirts and creased down Dickies and wanting so bad to dress like them. It just seemed like the epitome of masculinity to me. Tough but elegant, edgy but disciplined. I think about all the queers of generations passed who couldn’t come out because Mexicans aren’t allowed to be gay, because being a Marimacha meant bringing shame upon your family. I see a huge shift in the Chicanx’s of today, conscientiously moving away from that conquistador mentality of classism, anti-black, anti-woman, anti-indigenous and embracing our roots. I know we’re making this shift because we want our cultura to survive and if we don’t heal ourselves and our families this machismo death cult is going nowhere.

6. What is one thing that you’re really proud of?

I didn’t realize this was something to be proud of until a few years back when I was talking to a group of queer 18-20 year olds and they asked me, “how did you do it?” the question caught me off guard because to me there was no option, you have to live and try to live your best possible life but I see what they were getting at. How did I get to where I am with no Butch mentor or community? It brought me back to when I read Stone Butch Blues for the first time and being fixated on Butch Al. For weeks I found myself asking where was my Butch Al? Why didn’t I have one? Well I know why, AIDS epidemic and all the anti-gay laws that essentially were attempts at genocide of queers if you ask me. At this age it’s too late for me to have a Butch Al, I’m all grown up now and have figured out the Butch ways, from navigating the barbershop to romance and heartbreak. Until they asked that question I didn’t realize I was relatively safe now and that I had lived so much of my life in survival mode. I’m proud to be a Butch in the workplace, in the political space and in the hetero world taking up space.

@thenotoriousb.r.e

My name is Lil and I currently live in East Los Angeles. I grew up in Santa Monica on the Westside but in my adult life, I’ve moved all around the county and the world. When the pandemic hit, I was in London studying for a master’s degree and decided to come back to live with my folks in Los Angeles for the foreseeable future. Now I live in lovely a queer POC house in Lincoln Heights with two small dog friends.

I work full-time as a journalist covering a variety of things, ranging from surveillance tech and politics to queer and trans health and reproductive justice. In my work, I like to investigate and uncover corruption by powerful companies and individuals while bringing to light movements and people who are erased in mainstream media.

In my free time, you can most likely find me in the kitchen with a hefty haul of fresh fruits, vegetables, and hard-to-find spices. Or going on long walks in Mount Washington or at the Silverlake Reservoir with my binoculars in tow in search of birds. Pre-pandemic, I was a bit of a party animal and loved the thrill of dancing while sandwiched between sweaty strangers. I’ve recently found a dance studio near me that focuses on movement and improv work which I find super nourishing and a chance to be present with my body and others.

1. What does the butch identity mean to you? And how did you come to align with it?

I never thought I would align myself with the word “butch” but over the last few years I’ve leaned into it more and more into. I often call myself a “boy dyke” – I see that phrase as encompassing my relationship with boyishness and transmasculinity as well as my life as a dyke. I never felt butch enough. As a kid, I knew I wasn’t the kind of butch white woman I’d see scantly depicted in media. Over time though, I learned about the history of the phrase butch which has its roots in Black lesbian and working-class history. I found it to be more radical of a term than I had first thought. Although butch is sometimes seen as a hardness, a masculine toughness, for me, butch identity has been an exercise in being soft not only with myself but the world around me and of being of service to others. I love being able to hold and evoke any of the markers of my identity at once, being a boy dyke in one moment to a butch bottom or a fag in the next.

2. What is one thing that you’re really proud of?

Honestly, I’m really proud of myself at the moment for taking the steps to feel at home in my body. I started a low dose of testosterone about seven months ago after obsessively reading transmasc literature for about a year and wondering if I could live with myself without trying hormones. I’m so glad I did. These past few months have taught me a lot about embodiment, about breath, and patience. I’ve never been so in tune with what my body is doing; I’ve never had to let go more than now. Beyond the physical and emotional changes, this experience has really pushed me to listen to my wants in a way that I couldn’t have imagined doing just 5 years ago.

3. What’s the queer / dyke scene like where you live and what’s one thing you’d change about it if you could?

The queer scene in Los Angeles is pretty small for such a giant and sprawling city. Before the pandemic there were numerous queer dance parties and a handful that were run by and for people of color. The city also has a long history of radical queer organizing and nightlife. But since the pandemic hit, it seems to me there’s been a bit of a slow rebuild though new things are popping up every day, from queer sports meet-ups to café hangs and more. The best dyke scene I’ve witnessed so far was in London where there were truly a myriad of different community spaces, for Black dykes, South and East Asian queers and sober folks to name a few. Los Angeles definitely has the resources and the space – so I’d love to see more non-white queer and trans spaces, not only for dancing and performance but for community and movement building.

4. Where do you hope to be ten years from now?

In ten years’ time, I hope to be living outside of the US, with a community of queer and trans artists and writers of color. I hope to continue learning about gardening and woodworking. I’d like to have a slow-paced life, one that allows me to take hours-long walks if I so please. I hope to have a large kitchen for myself with a long dining room table so I can feed my friends. I hope to be writing and have a writing practice that includes friends and co-conspirators so I’m not working solo. I also hope to be in community with friends and lovers and family. I imagine there may be children to raise collectively, mouths to feed, gardens to tend to, histories to write, record, and archive with care.

@almost_sparrow

My name is Salvador de la Torre, it is the name I gave myself because of my deep connection to my grandparents and ancestors. Salvador was my maternal grandfather’s name and he was the most loving and tender soul of a man I’ve ever known. I didn’t come to this name overnight tho, I meditated and prayed about it asking for guidance from my ancestors and trans friends. A snake’s head appeared to me in a meditation, slitering sounds that became clearer and clearer to me “sssssssssaaallllllllvvvvvaaaaaa” the next day I knew Salvador was my name because I remembered I already had it tattooed on my chest years prior in honor of my grandfather whom I loved, and I realized that I have the answers within me already.

I currently live in Los Angeles, because it was a dream of mine as a kid. I grew up in Laredo, Texas, but spent my summers in southern California visiting my older siblings for I am one of 7 kids and the second to the youngest. My other sisters married when I was a kid and made a life in this area. Some of the best memories of my childhood are spending time with my siblings here, so I came here as soon as I was able to support myself and leave Laredo which was about 8 years ago in 2013. I arrived as a straight heterosexual woman because I never felt safe enough to come out while living in Texas, and for that I am grateful to this land for it brought me closer to myself. I’m a high school art teacher, where I am openly out a trans faculty because my school is pretty liberal and I want to been seen by my trans students and others around me that are potentially still closeted. For fun I like to tattoo my friends and other trans and queer community, and I fucking love to dance Cumbia with queers and my dog Vida.

1. What’s something you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 12?

I would want to tell them so much and protect them from so much harm from others and myself, but mostly I would want to hold them, soothe them, tell them how loved they are, and how eventually they would grow up and learn to love themselves.

I wish they knew what trans was and that being gay is not bad or sinful. My 12 year old self was living in Laredo, Texas, would go to every church, confession, and pray every time we went in the car with my family. My parents are from a small town in Jalisco Mexico there families are extremely traditional and even more catholic.I only had heard of 2 intanses of queer folks in my childhood. One story was of these 2 señoras that lived together for a lifetime. Everyone in the town knew they were marimachas even though those women never told anyone that they lived where each other’s partner. The other story hit closer to home, this one was from my uncle that died when I was 5 from HIV Aids because he was a gay man. Thus, basically I learned it was not socially accepted to be gay, and if you were gay you had to live a secret life and die from it. I was petrifed of my queer thoughts as a kid and would deflect them with all my might and energy. Eventually I would slip and allow myself to fantasize about women, only to later tourture myself and punish myself with my negative thoughts that would manifest themselves as panic attacks, vomit, and diarrhea.

2. What’s the queer / dyke scene like where you live and what’s one thing you’d change about it if you could?

There are all types of dyke/ and queer scenes in LA, and I honestly try to avoid them all. I don’t like popular kids or popular queers in la and don’t want to belong to cool queer spaces.  My community of queers and trans friends are honestly pretty spread out and its really hard to make plans to hangout with people in this area because of how exhausted people are from work, traffic, parking, and how spread out folks can be. When I do have the time and energy to have intentional time with friends it is usually in small groups or just one on one with a friend.  I do however really love pop up events and dance parties that are facilitated by bipoc folks like Cumbiaton and Van Dyke pop ups. I also love to throwing myself birthday parties to dance Cumbias and Reggeton with my gay ass friends.

3. What does the butch identity mean to you? And how did you come to align with it?

As a kid butch was the coolest thing ever. I really loved watching my dad dress up for church or for a party. He would wear cowboy boots and fancy belts with big buckles I even loved his work uniforms when he was a bus driver and a custodian, and as I young kid I was allowed to dress butch or like a tom boy. I would always love to wear sneakers with s