Butch Whispers: X Hernandez
Three words to descibr myself? Unapologetic, Driven, and Direct. I’ve always known exactly who I was. Maybe some labels changed, but I’ve truly always been like this. I’m someone who is protective of my friends and family, and am not afraid to call out injustice when I see it.
1. Can you recall the first time you heard the word ‘butch’?
I’m not sure I remember hearing the word Butch being officially introduced into my vocab, however I do remember being called a Dyke in Kindergarten, and having to ask my dad what that meant at 6 years old. I remember my dad physically stiffening up, but also trying not to upset me by telling me what the word actually meant. I knew it was bad, because before he answered my question, he asked me who called me that. This was from another classmate in Texas, so I know now it was just generational hatred, but holy fuck?! I can’t remember his exact response, only that it was a watered down version of being a Tomboy, or being a girl who liked sports, or something along those lines. I think my mom was the one who first used the word “Butch” instead of “Dyke” when recalling that story.
3. How do you define butchphobia?
I’d say throughout my journey with gender, In my personal experience I was mistreated most by strangers when I presented as a Butch Lesbian. I learned quickly society despises women that are so confidently/openly not interested in appeasing the male gaze. Add being non white, and not skinny into the mix, it made for a very skewed version of adolesensce where I was picked apart about so many different things, it made me grow up thinking I was an ugly girl. So I leaned in. I became that “Ugly Girl” society was so disgusted by. I cut my hair all off and threw out half of my closet, got a girlfriend and really started leaning into my masculinity. And you know what?? It was freeing as fuck. People even liked me more like this. Others hated it. It was like; having this freedom from the societal expectation of being a submissive woman pissed people off. For men, because it makes us useless to them since we are not a prospective sexual being to them. To women, they’d look at me with a tad bit of jealousy only other people like me could notice. I kept leaning in, and fell in love with myself. Others followed.
4. Do you feel like you’ve found self-esteem and pride in your butch identity?
Definitely! But not until I met other Butches. My college had quite a bit of queer people, so I had a comfortable social bubble I could openly be Butch af around.I remember having this project in senior year of theatre school where we had to bring in 5 celebrities we could “type” into. At the time, I was very much still identifying as a Butch, and genuinely had no one who looked like me to bring in. To this day, I still don’t know anyone with a body that looks like mine. Even when I got top surgery back in 2022, I only knew 1 person who wasn’t white that had gotten it. It was clear even with other queer people, I’d still have to carve a path myself if I wanted to see it through.
1. Can you recall the first time you heard the word ‘butch’?
I’m not sure I remember hearing the word Butch being officially introduced into my vocab, however I do remember being called a Dyke in Kindergarten, and having to ask my dad what that meant at 6 years old. I remember my dad physically stiffening up, but also trying not to upset me by telling me what the word actually meant. I knew it was bad, because before he answered my question, he asked me who called me that. This was from another classmate in Texas, so I know now it was just generational hatred, but holy fuck?! I can’t remember his exact response, only that it was a watered down version of being a Tomboy, or being a girl who liked sports, or something along those lines. I think my mom was the one who first used the word “Butch” instead of “Dyke” when recalling that story.
3. How do you define butchphobia?
I’d say throughout my journey with gender, In my personal experience I was mistreated most by strangers when I presented as a Butch Lesbian. I learned quickly society despises women that are so confidently/openly not interested in appeasing the male gaze. Add being non white, and not skinny into the mix, it made for a very skewed version of adolesensce where I was picked apart about so many different things, it made me grow up thinking I was an ugly girl. So I leaned in. I became that “Ugly Girl” society was so disgusted by. I cut my hair all off and threw out half of my closet, got a girlfriend and really started leaning into my masculinity. And you know what?? It was freeing as fuck. People even liked me more like this. Others hated it. It was like; having this freedom from the societal expectation of being a submissive woman pissed people off. For men, because it makes us useless to them since we are not a prospective sexual being to them. To women, they’d look at me with a tad bit of jealousy only other people like me could notice. I kept leaning in, and fell in love with myself. Others followed.
4. Do you feel like you’ve found self-esteem and pride in your butch identity?
Definitely! But not until I met other Butches. My college had quite a bit of queer people, so I had a comfortable social bubble I could openly be Butch af around.I remember having this project in senior year of theatre school where we had to bring in 5 celebrities we could “type” into. At the time, I was very much still identifying as a Butch, and genuinely had no one who looked like me to bring in. To this day, I still don’t know anyone with a body that looks like mine. Even when I got top surgery back in 2022, I only knew 1 person who wasn’t white that had gotten it. It was clear even with other queer people, I’d still have to carve a path myself if I wanted to see it through.
In my personal experience I was mistreated most by strangers when I presented as a Butch Lesbian. I learned quickly society despises women that are so confidently not interested in appeasing the male gaze. Add being non-white, and not skinny into the mix, it made for a very skewed version of adolesensce where I was picked apart about so many different things, it made me grow up thinking I was an ugly girl. So I leaned in. I became that "Ugly Girl" society was so disgusted by.
5. How do you experience your sexuality in relationship to your masculinity?
I think the more masculine I become, the more I want masculine connection in all aspects. As someone who knew they weren’t attracted to cis men, I never viewed masculinity as something that could be sexy to me. It wasn’t until I started my transition where I was coming to terms with my own masculinity where I was able to start seeing Masculinity as something delicate, which I found through meeting other Trans Masc ppl that also grew up Butch. I also found it way easier to open myself up sexually to someone who has the same experiences as me while still also on their own masculine journey.
6. If your masculinity and sexuality were in conversation, what might they say to each other now?
They would definitely be surprised and shocked to say the least. I was someone who identified as a hard Butch Lesbian, complete with all the chaos and drama that comes with being a Butch Lesbian. My sexuality, although flourishing, felt rigid and almost exclusive at the time, and it wasn’t until I stopped putting these nonexistent rules in my head about what kind of sex made me what that I was able to open myself up to viewing masculinity as sexual where I never did before. I love masculinity, I crave it now sexually more than I do femininity. It’s definitely a change I didn’t expect.
7. When do you feel closest to your masculinity?
When I’m surrounded by other queer people. When I can take my shirt off around people and it not be a whole thing. When I’m in Trans Centered spaces. When I’m in the sun.
8. When do you feel furthest from your masculinity?
Over the past 10 years I’ve been out, I’ve gradually noticed the way men have viewed and interacted with me throughout my transition. As someone who has just started passing enough to be invited to Gay Man Spaces, ironically, its easily been the places I find myself feeling the most insecure and small in my masculinity, which is very new to me as someone who’s always been very confident in their identity.
Now that I more often find myself in male centered spaces, I feel like I’ve become hyper aware of how gay men specifically perceive me. I can see when they see me as one of their equals, and I notice how they flirt and at least pretend to care what I say when they think I’m one of them. I can also see the difference when they clock me as Trans, and how their demeanors will completely change and suddenly be completely uninterested, because when they don’t think I’m a cis “Man” to them, that automatically makes me a Butch Woman to them.
5. How do you experience your sexuality in relationship to your masculinity?
I think the more masculine I become, the more I want masculine connection in all aspects. As someone who knew they weren’t attracted to cis men, I never viewed masculinity as something that could be sexy to me. It wasn’t until I started my transition where I was coming to terms with my own masculinity where I was able to start seeing Masculinity as something delicate, which I found through meeting other Trans Masc ppl that also grew up Butch. I also found it way easier to open myself up sexually to someone who has the same experiences as me while still also on their own masculine journey.
6. If your masculinity and sexuality were in conversation, what might they say to each other now?
They would definitely be surprised and shocked to say the least. I was someone who identified as a hard Butch Lesbian, complete with all the chaos and drama that comes with being a Butch Lesbian. My sexuality, although flourishing, felt rigid and almost exclusive at the time, and it wasn’t until I stopped putting these nonexistent rules in my head about what kind of sex made me what that I was able to open myself up to viewing masculinity as sexual where I never did before. I love masculinity, I crave it now sexually more than I do femininity. It’s definitely a change I didn’t expect.
7. When do you feel closest to your masculinity?
When I’m surrounded by other queer people. When I can take my shirt off around people and it not be a whole thing. When I’m in Trans Centered spaces. When I’m in the sun.
8. When do you feel furthest from your masculinity?
Over the past 10 years I’ve been out, I’ve gradually noticed the way men have viewed and interacted with me throughout my transition. As someone who has just started passing enough to be invited to Gay Man Spaces, ironically, its easily been the places I find myself feeling the most insecure and small in my masculinity, which is very new to me as someone who’s always been very confident in their identity.
Now that I more often find myself in male centered spaces, I feel like I’ve become hyper aware of how gay men specifically perceive me. I can see when they see me as one of their equals, and I notice how they flirt and at least pretend to care what I say when they think I’m one of them. I can also see the difference when they clock me as Trans, and how their demeanors will completely change and suddenly be completely uninterested, because when they don’t think I’m a cis “Man” to them, that automatically makes me a Butch Woman to them.
