Category: butchphobia

I’m Amber Jones, my pronouns are any and all, lol. I don’t really care what people perceive me as. But she/her is totally fine by default. I was supposed to be Jordan Jones because my mom’s gynecologist told her that I was a boy. I mean, he wasn’t 100% wrong. I pretty much feel like a boy/girl hybrid. I think that my parents didn’t go with the name Jordan because they didn’t feel that it was feminine enough for a girl. Surprise Surprise! I’m a dyke now. What a fucking plot twist.

I’m from Southern California. I jumped around between Compton, Carson, Long Beach, and Downey. I’ve never lived in the heart of LA, but I love to be there. There’s always something to do. Truly never a dull moment. You can make an entire day out of Los Angeles, you just need a lot of patience (lol).

I live in SoCal because my family is here, my friends are here, and everything that my world is comprised of, is here. Sometimes I get the urge to leave, to venture out. After college, I might see about leaving for a while, planting roots in another place, one where I have to form new bonds and familiarities. The thought of it is both riveting and fucking terrifying, we love nuance.

I love spending time with my friends, aka my chosen family. I love to skateboard whenever I get the chance. But the thing that I hold dearest to my heart has been the most consistent thing throughout my life; It followed me to young adulthood, and that’s books. I’m a huge bookworm, book hoarder, and word nerd. Any of those terms is preferable. Books served as a means for escapism when I was a child, but as I got older, their purpose expanded. Books have now become a means of growth. When reading, I become self-aware of my blind spots and weak points. Books serve as my portal to self-reflection, a looking glass of sorts. My favorite genres are horror, memoirs, and any literature by black-feminist scholars.

1. Tell me your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life.

My funniest memory from my dating life has to come from 2021. I was visiting my girlfriend (and her family) in Philadelphia. For context, we were long distance, but of course, we were long distance, I’m a lesbian. It’s a rite of passage. Anyways, we’re in her childhood bedroom, her parents aren’t home, only her two sisters. So we’re in the room proceeding to be intimate, and we keep getting interrupted by knocks on the door. For the last knock, I get up to answer. I must’ve been flushed or guilty looking because her sister smirked and said, “Keep your hands to yourself.” I was so embarrassed at the fact that we were semi-caught, but looking back on it now, it was extremely funny. There is no privacy in an Arab household, but there’s no shortage of hospitality.

2. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s been / what is the hardest thing about being butch for you?

I think that being butch positively impacts my life because it has made me comfortable with other people’s discomfort. In most rooms I enter, I often times feel like a political statement. People don’t know how to address me, or how to place me. I like this aspect of butchness. My gender nonconformity is a direct fuck you to gender norms. I am directly telling you that you can not put me into a box, I will not comply, and you do not have to like it, we do not have to be friends, but you will respect it. On the other hand, the hardest thing about being butch is the dating scene. Historically, I have dated femmes and they are great in so many ways. However, I find that at times, I’ve often been unfulfilled in these romantic interactions. Typically, there are unwritten rules which I am to follow. Sometimes I find myself being expected to pay for everything, to drive us everywhere, to make the first move, to be hyper-sexual. I am both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by my recent dating experiences over the summer. Though, I did end up making an absolutely brilliant, talented, and gorgeous friend out of it.

3. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

I think the most important thing about my butch identity has been my ability to stay soft. Everything about the world seems to try and mold me into something different. But my strength comes from staying soft, understanding, considerate of the needs of others, and my own. I will never allow myself to harden, the world can not take my softness from me without my permission. This is something that I wish people could gauge about me at first glance. However, I’m heavily tatted for my age and butch. People tend to associate these things with the opposite of softness, I hate it.

4. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

Oof. This is a great question. My hearts racing just thinking about it. The thing that is on my bucket list that makes me blush, is the idea or fantasy of a femme touching herself in front of me, not allowing me to touch her. I’d have to sit there and watch, preferably in cuffs. Bonus points if she’s in my lap while doing this. I’m going to get around to this someday, and you’re going to have to interview me for a follow-up.

5. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?

Going to get a little personal here, but I’ve learned a lot from my father. I don’t mean this in a typical father-daughter way. This is for the butches with daddy issues, it’s our time. Anyways, some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned have been through observing him. I am conscious of the damage that alcohol can do to you in excess. I know that putting your hands on your partner is never okay, and domestic violence is NEVER okay. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from him is that I want to be nothing like him. This is not to paint my father out to be a monster, but I am painting him out to be flawed. We are all flawed, some more or less than others. I think it’s safe to acknowledge that.

6. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?

Something in my life that’s gone unfulfilled, which I’m still searching for…this is a hard one. Mainly because it forces me to delve into myself and ask the question. I think that something that has gone unfulfilled is understanding love. I don’t mean this platonically, I have this in a lot of my closest friendships. But romantically, I don’t think I’ve ever had an understanding love. Someone who doesn’t try to push me, who gives me room to be unapologetically myself. My last serious relationship came pretty close, but we were just babies trying to figure it out. We did great with the resources we had. I love her for that. I love us for that. However, In my next stage in young adulthood, I want the next love of my life to be understanding. That is the most gentle form of love, just being understood. Even when it doesn’t make sense. I will communicate when I can, but I need someone to understand that I can’t always put everything into words. Sometimes I just want to be held while I’m reading a book or listening to a podcast.

7. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?

The best thing that I have been wrong about would have to be people’s ability for acceptance. There have been times in my life when I’ve had to express great vulnerability to another person. And the self that I was at the time didn’t think that I deserved acceptance, so when that person accepted me and embraced me for who I was, that was mind-boggling. I had no idea that people like that existed. But that gesture was everything and it changed my life, my perception of self, and the world around me. Wherever you are right now, Sy, thank you for giving that to me. You changed my life.

@issadadhat