Butch Whispers: Marisa Morse
I was born in Redding, CA, and spent half of my childhood there and half on the coast up north in McKinleyville, Humboldt County, CA. The first half in Redding, I was an only child- spending all of my time outside making mud pies, swimming in the pool and lots of legos. I was really quiet and reserved until around 5th grade, and then I became a lot more social and active in sports. Once I started playing sports and got a taste of athleisure, the baby butch within was born! I didn’t know it at the time and stayed in the closet until after I graduated high school – but that is what happened.
Now, I live in Portland and have a lot more clarity around who I am. I think now more than ever, at 26, I am trying to live in a way that makes that baby butch feel proud. I don’t want to be dismissive of the challenges that people face here, but I do believe Portland is probably one of the safest and easiest places in the US to not only be queer, but to fuck around and find out what that even means to you.
I’m still on that path of fucking around and finding out – considering a breast reduction, just got a gayer haircut, maybe a piercing soon. Unlearning the boxes that once molded my queerness and loving whoever I am inside and out of those boxes more. I’m also involved in community events and am working on turning my creative interests into skills that contribute to community building. And shameless plug, I’m focused on developing a modeling portfolio (tap in, I will do whatever u want).
Do you remember the first time you heard the word butch?
I can’t remember the exact first time hearing the word – but I do remember when Orange is The New Black came out and that was my first visual impression of a butch lesbian (Big Boo) and was quite intrigued. I thought ya, I resonate with the masculine appearance, and some of the mannerism – but I also felt a bit of an aversion to adopting that label for myself. Obviously in the show where the setting is a prison, the characters probably aren’t going to be role models – but I reflecting back now as an adult, the way that show chose to represent a butch identify felt kinda fucked up and had a huge impact on the way I viewed butchnesss.
What’s the most impactful memory from your dating life?
A memory from dating that I have held on to is the first time I had queer sex and I was not defaulted as the ”giver” because of my masculine appearance. My early 20s were full (like maybe 5 total lmao) of mediocre hetero-normative hookups that I felt like an actual dude who was just there to give and receive nothing in return.
“I admit I wasn’t great at advocating for my own pleasure, but still it was insane to hook up with someone, make them cum and then they’re kinda just content and are making no effort or showing any interest in reciprocating.”
I thought this was the norm for butch/masc women and that we were all seen as ”touch me nots” and that’s just how it is. Thank god I grew up and got some real pu$$y that showed me I can and should be loved on too.
What is something about your butch identity you feel like no one understands?
Something about my butch identity that I don’t think people understand is that it is fluid. I think most people I met see me as a masc presenting butch who has a femme girlfriend. While that is kind of true, it’s not always the case. I like to wear skirts,or paint my nails, I like to do a face routine even tho I don’t wear makeup bc I want to feel prettyyyyy. All that can happen while still being butch and wearing ”boys” clothes.
Within my butch identity I can be tough, protective and also want someone to do the same for me. I think allowing myself to want and then receive that from others was the tough pill to swallow- like I felt so compelled to repress the more ‘’feminine’’ needs that I had because of the box of butchness I thought I had to stay in .
Turns out the box wasn’t even accurate nor if it was would I need to stay in it. That was something it took me YEARS to figure out so I def understand anyone’s struggle in this area.
Do you remember the first time you heard the word butch?
I can’t remember the exact first time hearing the word – but I do remember when Orange is The New Black came out and that was my first visual impression of a butch lesbian (Big Boo) and was quite intrigued. I thought ya, I resonate with the masculine appearance, and some of the mannerism – but I also felt a bit of an aversion to adopting that label for myself. Obviously in the show where the setting is a prison, the characters probably aren’t going to be role models – but I reflecting back now as an adult, the way that show chose to represent a butch identify felt kinda fucked up and had a huge impact on the way I viewed butchnesss.
What’s the most impactful memory from your dating life?
A memory from dating that I have held on to is the first time I had queer sex and I was not defaulted as the ”giver” because of my masculine appearance. My early 20s were full (like maybe 5 total lmao) of mediocre hetero-normative hookups that I felt like an actual dude who was just there to give and receive nothing in return.
“I admit I wasn’t great at advocating for my own pleasure, but still it was insane to hook up with someone, make them cum and then they’re kinda just content and are making no effort or showing any interest in reciprocating.”
I thought this was the norm for butch/masc women and that we were all seen as ”touch me nots” and that’s just how it is. Thank god I grew up and got some real pu$$y that showed me I can and should be loved on too.
What is something about your butch identity you feel like no one understands?
Something about my butch identity that I don’t think people understand is that it is fluid. I think most people I met see me as a masc presenting butch who has a femme girlfriend. While that is kind of true, it’s not always the case. I like to wear skirts,or paint my nails, I like to do a face routine even tho I don’t wear makeup bc I want to feel prettyyyyy. All that can happen while still being butch and wearing ”boys” clothes.
Within my butch identity I can be tough, protective and also want someone to do the same for me. I think allowing myself to want and then receive that from others was the tough pill to swallow- like I felt so compelled to repress the more ‘’feminine’’ needs that I had because of the box of butchness I thought I had to stay in .
Turns out the box wasn’t even accurate nor if it was would I need to stay in it. That was something it took me YEARS to figure out so I def understand anyone’s struggle in this area.
Within my butch identity I can be tough, protective and also want someone to do the same for me. I think allowing myself to want and then receive that from others was the tough pill to swallow- like I felt so compelled to repress the more ‘’feminine’’ needs that I had because of the box of butchness I thought I had to stay in.
Are there parts of your inherit masculinity you’ve ever felt like you had to work to unlearn?
Parts of my inherit masculinity that I have worked on the most is the feelings of guilt/ shame for needing help or support from others. I have always been pretty independent and in some contexts, genuinely enjoyed doing things on my own. As I have gotten older, the feelings around that have evolved and there’s somethings that are really hard to do on your own as an adult, and I had a hard time accepting that. I felt like because I’m both so masculine and feminine, that I can handle whatever on my own. This process is fine for some folks, but I had to stop being so strong and on my own when I really was only doing it because I thought I had to as a more masculine partner. I’m not sure when exactly I was able to put my guard down, but from then on I was so much more.
What do you believe the evolutionary purpose of gender diversity in humans is?
I’ve never considered the evolutionary purpose of gender diversity, but I believe it stems from our need for connection and survival. As humans, we all rely on each other, and it’s not necessary for one gender to be solely responsible for all masculine or feminine roles in society. In my queer relationships, I’ve found the roles shared between partners in a way that isn’t typical of hetero couples. Whoever likes to wash the car more washes the car more, whoever likes to cook meals more cooks meals more, regardless of our gender expression. In my view, the concept of ‘Adam and Eve’ could represent any two people, regardless of gender.
When we seek long-term partners, it’s not just about fulfilling traditional roles but about finding someone who complements us in ways that help us thrive and survive together.
What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
The best thing I have been wrong about is the idea that if you subscribe to one specific gender identity, you must always show up in the way that identity is traditionally expressed. I used to think that being a butch lesbian meant fitting into a certain mold, but I’ve come to realize that there are a million different kinds of butch lesbians, each expressing their identity in their own unique way. This has shown me that gender identity is not a rigid framework but a spectrum where everyone can define and redefine themselves freely.
Are there parts of your inherit masculinity you’ve ever felt like you had to work to unlearn?
Parts of my inherit masculinity that I have worked on the most is the feelings of guilt/ shame for needing help or support from others. I have always been pretty independent and in some contexts, genuinely enjoyed doing things on my own. As I have gotten older, the feelings around that have evolved and there’s somethings that are really hard to do on your own as an adult, and I had a hard time accepting that. I felt like because I’m both so masculine and feminine, that I can handle whatever on my own. This process is fine for some folks, but I had to stop being so strong and on my own when I really was only doing it because I thought I had to as a more masculine partner. I’m not sure when exactly I was able to put my guard down, but from then on I was so much more.
What do you believe the evolutionary purpose of gender diversity in humans is?
I’ve never considered the evolutionary purpose of gender diversity, but I believe it stems from our need for connection and survival. As humans, we all rely on each other, and it’s not necessary for one gender to be solely responsible for all masculine or feminine roles in society. In my queer relationships, I’ve found the roles shared between partners in a way that isn’t typical of hetero couples. Whoever likes to wash the car more washes the car more, whoever likes to cook meals more cooks meals more, regardless of our gender expression. In my view, the concept of ‘Adam and Eve’ could represent any two people, regardless of gender.
When we seek long-term partners, it’s not just about fulfilling traditional roles but about finding someone who complements us in ways that help us thrive and survive together.
What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
The best thing I have been wrong about is the idea that if you subscribe to one specific gender identity, you must always show up in the way that identity is traditionally expressed. I used to think that being a butch lesbian meant fitting into a certain mold, but I’ve come to realize that there are a million different kinds of butch lesbians, each expressing their identity in their own unique way. This has shown me that gender identity is not a rigid framework but a spectrum where everyone can define and redefine themselves freely.
