Butch Whispers: Harvey Nissen
I was born in Colorado but relocated to Portland with my family when I was really young, then I moved to LA with a friend about 3 years ago. It took me a couple years to miss Portland again but I finally do, I spend a lot of time on the east side because it feels more like home. My top 3 favorite bands are Simon & Garfunkel, Heart and Black Sabbath. I love finding cool rocks, garage sales, and skincare – Libra-Sag-Libra respectively.
I’ve been working a lot recently. Design and illustration work. Before I moved to LA I was deep into a years-long creative block/depression… I lived alone during COVID and bopped around between a few different weird jobs. I was a florist for years and years, then briefly a butcher (for the bit) and then landed a crazy design job where I was making packaging for a bunch of different brands, but would come home and be alone every day because so many of my friends and family were medically fragile. The isolation was really hard. Coming to LA really shook me out of the existentialism/dread and helped me care about doing more than the bare minimum again.
I’ve never been someone with like, a step-by-step life plan, I’m very opportunistic and go with the flow, but even the switch to having momentum and goals at all feels really joyful and spiritual to me. I never realized how much being an “achiever” was a part of my core identity until it wasn’t nourished anymore. On the day-to-day I spend a lot of time hanging out with my cat, taking care of my plants, and listening to books in the car. My dad just died in the last year so that’s really present in my life right now… We were very close so it’s peeled back a lot of my sense of self all over again. The grief has been interesting/unexpected but leaning in on the lessons from getting to the other side of that depressive season has been really helpful. Working a lot and getting back in touch with my creativity has been a very safe space. I’ve got a small and close network of very precious/supportive friends and a girlfriend who I adore. There’s both a lot more and a lot less “future” out there than you realize, squeezing the most of it suddenly feels very important.
What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?
Favorite because it’s funny, I’ve been dumped in an REI. Took a shockingly long time to recover from.
How has being butch positively impacted your life?
I think finding my own masculinity was a homecoming and accepting of self. It doesn’t feel restrictive. I can play here and release other insecurities, just feel confident and comfortable. I was lucky to have very gentle, funny, smart, and unique male role models growing up so it’s less so about connecting with traditional masculinity, but settling into my own version of it and not feeling pressured to perform. The journey to finding a self that felt real also helped me track what it feels like to actively perform…So I’m constantly checking that internally like – Ok, are we feeling authentic today? It’s helpful for a lot of things. I stay in touch with a lot of my old teachers and they will sometimes put me in touch with kids who are struggling with their gender, and that’s really rewarding too.
What is something about your butch identity you feel like no one understands?
I think in the worst of times assumptions get made about mascs/butches that are pretty objectifying and two-dimensional, which can be hard coming from within our own community… It stacks on top of the regular sexism and homophobia that anyone LGBTQ might deal with, which sometimes feels forgotten about. I came out at 16 and noticed it right away, just shallow projections or expectations around who you are, dismissing of other struggles because of perceived “male” privilege and toxic masculine standards – it’s also a hard reality sometimes to be literally more visible to the world, for harassment/hate crime reasons.
How do you feel like you embody masculinity differently from what is expected of you?
My version of masculinity is really playful, I think. Sincere, friendly, and protective. I try to make the lives of the people I love easier. I tap into vulnerability and emotion very easily, but that took a long time to build up to. My version is also stylish as fuck, ironically the theory behind “the adorned man” in the Barbie movie really hit home for me. I think I was very insecure about a lot of these traits during initial gender unpacking but after seeing my dad and brother own their masculinity despite embodying all these things it really helped me to pinpoint where toxic gender expectations needed to get unlearned. It’s only been up from there.
What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?
Favorite because it’s funny, I’ve been dumped in an REI. Took a shockingly long time to recover from.
How has being butch positively impacted your life?
I think finding my own masculinity was a homecoming and accepting of self. It doesn’t feel restrictive. I can play here and release other insecurities, just feel confident and comfortable. I was lucky to have very gentle, funny, smart, and unique male role models growing up so it’s less so about connecting with traditional masculinity, but settling into my own version of it and not feeling pressured to perform. The journey to finding a self that felt real also helped me track what it feels like to actively perform…So I’m constantly checking that internally like – Ok, are we feeling authentic today? It’s helpful for a lot of things. I stay in touch with a lot of my old teachers and they will sometimes put me in touch with kids who are struggling with their gender, and that’s really rewarding too.
What is something about your butch identity you feel like no one understands?
I think in the worst of times assumptions get made about mascs/butches that are pretty objectifying and two-dimensional, which can be hard coming from within our own community… It stacks on top of the regular sexism and homophobia that anyone LGBTQ might deal with, which sometimes feels forgotten about. I came out at 16 and noticed it right away, just shallow projections or expectations around who you are, dismissing of other struggles because of perceived “male” privilege and toxic masculine standards – it’s also a hard reality sometimes to be literally more visible to the world, for harassment/hate crime reasons.
How do you feel like you embody masculinity differently from what is expected of you?
My version of masculinity is really playful, I think. Sincere, friendly, and protective. I try to make the lives of the people I love easier. I tap into vulnerability and emotion very easily, but that took a long time to build up to. My version is also stylish as fuck, ironically the theory behind “the adorned man” in the Barbie movie really hit home for me. I think I was very insecure about a lot of these traits during initial gender unpacking but after seeing my dad and brother own their masculinity despite embodying all these things it really helped me to pinpoint where toxic gender expectations needed to get unlearned. It’s only been up from there.
Assumptions are made about mascs that are pretty objectifying and two-dimensional, which can be hard to come by from within our own community. I came out at 16 and noticed it right away, just shallow projections or expectations around who you are, dismissing of any other struggles because of perceived "male" privilege and toxic masculine standards
What’s your spiritual understanding of masculinity?
In classic non-binary fashion I privately wonder about what the world would be like without gender expression as we know it today, needing to “come out” or words to distinguish biological sex vs. gender identities at all. After talking with some folks about how they feel their gender inside of themselves it sounds like a lot of people feel a certain abundance/presence of gender – My experience has always been a lack of that presence. My only guiding feeling throughout my gender journey is that I know I am not a girl. I tried so hard to be so many different expressions of “girl” and it never felt right. I just had to let it go and get comfortable with the absence. I felt like such an alien until I started being more candid with other non-binary people out in the wild (and I discovered they, too, felt like aliens.) Butch/masc feels like my comfortable home base, I like how I look and feel here, even though it also meant releasing a lot of projections about what it “meant”.
What do you believe the evolutionary purpose of gender-diversity in humans is?
I was a florist for maybe 6 or 7 years and during that time I came across a lot of flowers that were different than the rest of their bunch, wild unexpected growth patterns, their colors and their little pistils and stamens (the sex organs of flowers.) I thought about this sooo much, all through high school and college. It really put things into perspective. I don’t know why fanatics are so terrified of otherness, when really it’s the most regular and unsurprising thing about being a person – I think the hatred and violence they feel towards non-cis/straight people is the loudest self hatred you could possibly parade around. They’ve turned their back on our core commonality of being a part of nature… Grow up.
What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?
I don’t have specific bucket list items honestly, never have – in general the idea of vulnerability and romance comes to mind…I don’t think I hide it a lot these days but at one point in my life it felt very much like an uncool/unsafe/secret part of me to love so deeply. A few friendships helped me work through the fear early on but partnerships were really difficult into adulthood, even though I was all yearning and in my feelings very privately. I’ve been working on it for a long time but especially after having lost my dad the only bucket list item I’m absolutely sure about is nourishing my romantic side, caring a lot openly, building a life of adventure with special people who really want to be there. Having humility when I fuck up and trying my best to live life without unnecessary hurt feelings. Eventually I want a family to do dorky wholesome stuff with, teach my kids about plants and art and being gentle. I will never go back into the lover-boy closet.
What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
The first six months of living in LA is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to muscle through. Total nightmare. I was living in a Craigslist apartment that was growing mushrooms from the walls, constant ceiling leaks with critter poop streaming all over my stuff with the rainwater. I was in a complicated friend group where every other weekend someone hated someone else. My parents came to visit me for Christmas and my oven filled the entire apartment with smoke, there were leak buckets all over the living room floor, and my furnace was broken so we were all bundled up. Classic LA stuff. I’d call my folks and cry about the stress all the time… I’m so glad I hung on and kept focus on the next day, the next project, the next chance to connect with people. One after the other, the hard work and risks started to pay off. Especially the risk of “being myself” even when there was a chance someone wouldn’t get it, like at a job or something. The work of meeting new people, sometimes discovering they’re not your people despite the time you put into those connections, etc. It was exhausting. I haven’t mastered it or anything, I still need reassurance all the time, but proving to myself that I can grow and be happy through a huge leap of faith was something I really needed to do. It’s my mission through profound grief to not give up because making it this far took so much work and fear. I made great friends through it, and reignited creativity that I thought I had completely lost. This might be the most complicated time of my life but it’s also the most abundant and beautiful. Onward and upward.
What’s your spiritual understanding of masculinity?
In classic non-binary fashion I privately wonder about what the world would be like without gender expression as we know it today, needing to “come out” or words to distinguish biological sex vs. gender identities at all. After talking with some folks about how they feel their gender inside of themselves it sounds like a lot of people feel a certain abundance/presence of gender – My experience has always been a lack of that presence. My only guiding feeling throughout my gender journey is that I know I am not a girl. I tried so hard to be so many different expressions of “girl” and it never felt right. I just had to let it go and get comfortable with the absence. I felt like such an alien until I started being more candid with other non-binary people out in the wild (and I discovered they, too, felt like aliens.) Butch/masc feels like my comfortable home base, I like how I look and feel here, even though it also meant releasing a lot of projections about what it “meant”.
What do you believe the evolutionary purpose of gender-diversity in humans is?
I was a florist for maybe 6 or 7 years and during that time I came across a lot of flowers that were different than the rest of their bunch, wild unexpected growth patterns, their colors and their little pistils and stamens (the sex organs of flowers.) I thought about this sooo much, all through high school and college. It really put things into perspective. I don’t know why fanatics are so terrified of otherness, when really it’s the most regular and unsurprising thing about being a person – I think the hatred and violence they feel towards non-cis/straight people is the loudest self hatred you could possibly parade around. They’ve turned their back on our core commonality of being a part of nature… Grow up.
What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?
I don’t have specific bucket list items honestly, never have – in general the idea of vulnerability and romance comes to mind…I don’t think I hide it a lot these days but at one point in my life it felt very much like an uncool/unsafe/secret part of me to love so deeply. A few friendships helped me work through the fear early on but partnerships were really difficult into adulthood, even though I was all yearning and in my feelings very privately. I’ve been working on it for a long time but especially after having lost my dad the only bucket list item I’m absolutely sure about is nourishing my romantic side, caring a lot openly, building a life of adventure with special people who really want to be there. Having humility when I fuck up and trying my best to live life without unnecessary hurt feelings. Eventually I want a family to do dorky wholesome stuff with, teach my kids about plants and art and being gentle. I will never go back into the lover-boy closet.
What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
The first six months of living in LA is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to muscle through. Total nightmare. I was living in a Craigslist apartment that was growing mushrooms from the walls, constant ceiling leaks with critter poop streaming all over my stuff with the rainwater. I was in a complicated friend group where every other weekend someone hated someone else. My parents came to visit me for Christmas and my oven filled the entire apartment with smoke, there were leak buckets all over the living room floor, and my furnace was broken so we were all bundled up. Classic LA stuff. I’d call my folks and cry about the stress all the time… I’m so glad I hung on and kept focus on the next day, the next project, the next chance to connect with people. One after the other, the hard work and risks started to pay off. Especially the risk of “being myself” even when there was a chance someone wouldn’t get it, like at a job or something. The work of meeting new people, sometimes discovering they’re not your people despite the time you put into those connections, etc. It was exhausting. I haven’t mastered it or anything, I still need reassurance all the time, but proving to myself that I can grow and be happy through a huge leap of faith was something I really needed to do. It’s my mission through profound grief to not give up because making it this far took so much work and fear. I made great friends through it, and reignited creativity that I thought I had completely lost. This might be the most complicated time of my life but it’s also the most abundant and beautiful. Onward and upward.
