Interview: Kris Grimes
I’m a Southern Californian from the jump, born in LA and raised in Compton, California. I spent my formative years…busy, shirt off running around outside, trying to dig to China, at school or in my respective sport at the time. A juggle between figure skating (whilst dreaming I could play hockey instead), basketball and golf. As a kid, I didn’t have many friends I would consider close, I sort of jumped from group to group. I found I was too rough when it came to playing with girls in my age so I preferred to play with the boys. When I got to high school it was a similar story, minus the boys, I attended an ALL GIRLS (gay panic) Catholic School. Freshman year I came to classmates and to a few teachers.
Those 4 years were spent diving into my queerness and learning to speak it truthfully. I am forever grateful to my freshman English teacher, Prof. Hernandez, for asking me what name I went by; Kris was born then.
After moving 1927 miles for college, everything I thought I knew about myself was hit with a hard reality, there was still more to find out. After I purchased my first binder, cut my hair short, I stopped caring what folx thought of me. I was butch, I was a stud, I was gay, I was unapologetic and I wanted everyone to know it. Now, in Portland, I can say I am more unapologetic and coming into my authentic self. There is still more to learn, always is, and I welcome continue to welcome it with open arms.
Do you remember the first time you heard the word butch?
The first time I heard the word butch I was 11. My mom worked 2nd shift and my dad would head to bed pretty early as he worked 1st shift, so I had plenty of time to watch my favorite show at the time, The L Word. Seriously that show was where I went for all the queer research. As a preteen, I figured adult queers that looked, dressed & acted like me were still called tomboys. So learning there was another term was eye-opening. A year later someone labeled me a new word 5 points if you guess it 😉
Has there been a memory in your life where being butch made your experience particularly difficult?
There are plenty of memories and ongoing moments, however, the one I feel set the tone was my first corporate job interview and job. Context is necessary here, it’s 2016 my hair started loc’ing up and I decided to let it do its thing. I just moved to a new place in the mid-west and desperately needed a higher paying job. By this time I was a slut for suits & ties. During the interview itself, things were going great, I was crushing it and felt very confident.
We get to the end of formal interview questions and I get hit with, “would you be willing to cut your hair and will you always dress masculinely to work?” When asked why to each question, “if you choose to dress masculinely you will need to cut your hair, unless for religious purposes”, “it may cause confusion or discomfort if to staff and clients.” No, I am not religious, no I didn’t lie and say I was, no, I didn’t cut my hair…Yes, I wore a suit and tie to work.
I say this was a difficult experience because the moment the questions and explanations were spoken, it made me question myself at the core. It nearly tricked me into believing I could not be authentic to myself. During that time, I held strong to my identity and went ahead with an, “oh, I make you uncomfortable, I like it” mentality. Great news, I don’t work with that company any longer and I feel even affirmed in who I am as a person.
Do you feel like you embody masculinity differently from what is expected of you?
As a masc presenting nonbinary person, there were several experiences where people I have dated expected me to always be confident or they felt I didn’t require support. Granted it took me some time to drop that expectation for myself. But as a human, yeah I do need a pick me up and support sometimes. There were times when it felt like asking for reassurance instantly became unattractive and made me weak in their eyes, rather than human. I will be the first to admit I can be sensitive as fuck and honestly, I like myself a lot more that way.
Do you remember the first time you heard the word butch?
The first time I heard the word butch I was 11. My mom worked 2nd shift and my dad would head to bed pretty early as he worked 1st shift, so I had plenty of time to watch my favorite show at the time, The L Word. Seriously that show was where I went for all the queer research. As a preteen, I figured adult queers that looked, dressed & acted like me were still called tomboys. So learning there was another term was eye-opening. A year later someone labeled me a new word 5 points if you guess it 😉
Has there been a memory in your life where being butch made your experience particularly difficult?
There are plenty of memories and ongoing moments, however, the one I feel set the tone was my first corporate job interview and job. Context is necessary here, it’s 2016 my hair started loc’ing up and I decided to let it do its thing. I just moved to a new place in the mid-west and desperately needed a higher paying job. By this time I was a slut for suits & ties. During the interview itself, things were going great, I was crushing it and felt very confident.
We get to the end of formal interview questions and I get hit with, “would you be willing to cut your hair and will you always dress masculinely to work?” When asked why to each question, “if you choose to dress masculinely you will need to cut your hair, unless for religious purposes”, “it may cause confusion or discomfort if to staff and clients.” No, I am not religious, no I didn’t lie and say I was, no, I didn’t cut my hair…Yes, I wore a suit and tie to work.
I say this was a difficult experience because the moment the questions and explanations were spoken, it made me question myself at the core. It nearly tricked me into believing I could not be authentic to myself. During that time, I held strong to my identity and went ahead with an, “oh, I make you uncomfortable, I like it” mentality. Great news, I don’t work with that company any longer and I feel even affirmed in who I am as a person.
Do you feel like you embody masculinity differently from what is expected of you?
As a masc presenting nonbinary person, there were several experiences where people I have dated expected me to always be confident or they felt I didn’t require support. Granted it took me some time to drop that expectation for myself. But as a human, yeah I do need a pick me up and support sometimes. There were times when it felt like asking for reassurance instantly became unattractive and made me weak in their eyes, rather than human. I will be the first to admit I can be sensitive as fuck and honestly, I like myself a lot more that way.
Are there parts of your inherit masculinity you’ve ever felt like you had to work to unlearn?
Absolutely — I am still unlearning the ass-backward definitions of what masculinity and femininity look like. In my teen and younger adult days, I felt so much pressure to never express my emotions or I could only ever express anger as an emotion. I locked any other emotion up, didn’t talk about things unless they were good, masked my real feelings and went about my day.
In truth, I thought masculinity meant never being vulnerable. Definitely playing the therapy card here as it was the first step in my unlearning. It then allowed me to create a support system and friends.
The other steps consisted of having real conversations with people, rather than surface level. Forcing myself to be vulnerable with people I wanted to be friends with. Learning to say I love you to those people eventually allowing me to find strength in sobbing into the shoulder of my bestie.
What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
Life getting better….All jokes aside, I didn’t think life could or would get better. It took a minute for me to find myself and again, I’m still learning who I am, but recently life has been so kind to me that it’s hard to believe I felt any differently about it. Experiences that may have shattered me earlier in life are turning into moments of growth and reflection.
I’m not running away from myself anymore. Rather than being afraid to turn inside, I feel I’m leaning into myself and seeking the hard truths, doing the uncomfortable and finding joy in this experience of life as I am living it on my own terms.
Are there parts of your inherit masculinity you’ve ever felt like you had to work to unlearn?
Absolutely — I am still unlearning the ass-backward definitions of what masculinity and femininity look like. In my teen and younger adult days, I felt so much pressure to never express my emotions or I could only ever express anger as an emotion. I locked any other emotion up, didn’t talk about things unless they were good, masked my real feelings and went about my day.
In truth, I thought masculinity meant never being vulnerable. Definitely playing the therapy card here as it was the first step in my unlearning. It then allowed me to create a support system and friends.
The other steps consisted of having real conversations with people, rather than surface level. Forcing myself to be vulnerable with people I wanted to be friends with. Learning to say I love you to those people eventually allowing me to find strength in sobbing into the shoulder of my bestie.
What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
Life getting better….All jokes aside, I didn’t think life could or would get better. It took a minute for me to find myself and again, I’m still learning who I am, but recently life has been so kind to me that it’s hard to believe I felt any differently about it. Experiences that may have shattered me earlier in life are turning into moments of growth and reflection.
I’m not running away from myself anymore. Rather than being afraid to turn inside, I feel I’m leaning into myself and seeking the hard truths, doing the uncomfortable and finding joy in this experience of life as I am living it on my own terms.
