Author: info@esthergodoy.com

I’m originally from California, but I’ve lived in Melbourne for the past 6 years. I’ve spent that time working in the coffee industry. It’s a passion as well as a career, I’m a massive nerd about it! For now, I’m business development manager for a coffee company.

1. What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?

This one is pretty good. I was hooking up with a baby queer, and she was really going to town on me. I was having fun, but the pace was pretty hectic. As she was going, she looked up at me and belted, “what I lack in experience, I make up in enthusiasm!” Right as she said it, her finger slipped out of me and she punched me right in the clit.

Now, we’re married…

Just kidding, I never saw her again.

Suffice to say, I was pretty much ready for bed after that. I hobbled her to the door and that was that.

2. Tell us about a time that being butch positively impacted your life.

When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a boy. At five, I announced to my family I’d like to be called “Carlos” of all names. I still think it’s funny! I chose it off one of the kids I saw on Barney who I thought was so cool. I convinced my mom to take me to the barber and get my hair cut short. The hairdresser gave me a bob. I hated it and demanded my mom take me to get a real boys cut. I settled on a handsome little bowl cut. I loved it. I felt so affirmed. My parents were actually pretty good sports about it. It was the 90’s and I think they were quietly freaking out, but they let me do it. I lived like this for years! It was the most affirmed period of my entire childhood.

The flutter in my heart when people thought I was a boy was incredible, I still remember it. Eventually, I caved to puberty and trying to fit in, and started dressing like a girl. It always felt like cosplay to me.

I had to have my moment where I realised I wasn’t a girl, I was non-binary. Being a little boy as a kid was the only other option, but as an adult, I was really at home in a place outside the lines. I created that space for myself, and I think Carlos would have lost their little minds if they could just see me now. Being butch was the dream, and I’m loving it.

3. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?

I used to be so afraid of sex. There was real trauma there, but I also didn’t think anybody would ever find my gender identity attractive, because I didn’t. There were layers and layers of internalized shame. I felt I wasn’t living up to the expectations of sex appeal I saw around me. I didn’t have anybody sexy and masc presenting I could look up to that could reset that standard I had learned. I thought I’d never understand what people enjoyed about sex, how people could be so comfortable in their bodies, and that it all wasn’t for me.

I had to do a lot of work to learn to love my body. I had to reach a point where I stopped acting out what other people expected of me, and started doing what made me feel sexy and handsome. I got into men’s fashion, and I’d spend hours putting on music that made me feel hot, and dressing up in my room, and dancing. Putting fits together helped me feel handsome from a deep place, I didn’t need anybody’s opinion to validate it. I knew I looked good and I could carry that around with me everywhere. It changed my life, and it changed how I felt when I didn’t have any clothes on as well.

I’m so glad I feel confident now, that I was wrong about never believing I could feel at home in my body. I love sex, and I love being nude. It all came from using my body as a canvas for fashion.

4. What’s your spiritual understanding of masculinity?

I think the institution of cis-men have painted a picture of masculinity as being hard and tough and rugged. I actually think of it a lot softer than that. In my vision, masculinity is like a huge old tree. It’s grounded and peaceful, and it’s strong, but it’s also flexible. It adapts to weather and seasons, yet it always knows what it is. It’s not afraid, or reactionary. It protects those who wish to take shelter, but it’s not possessive, one is free to come and go as they please. There’s a quiet wisdom in masculinity that doesn’t need to be explained. It should feel safe. I think being butch is so much more of this type of masculinity than I ever really see in the mainstream.

5. Has there been a memory, moment or time in your life where being butch made your experience particularly difficult?

Going back to where I’m from in California is hard. There’s not a lot of queer people, and very few butch folks in my home town at all. Gender neutral toilets? Not a chance. As I’ve embraced my butchness more and more, I find it harder to return to where I’m from. I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel seen. It might not be an outward homophobia, but it still feels hostile. Coming out to my core family as non-binary was fine, they’re all wonderful. My extended family doesn’t all understand. I have little cousins ask if I’m a boy or a girl. I have uncles who refuse to acknowledge my name or pronouns. Does it hurt? I learned to not let people’s opinions of my lifestyle sink under my skin. I definitely get anxiety about using gendered toilets, I’ve had so many experiences with “gender-police” trying to tell me where to go.

“Do I look like an idiot to you? Because you’re treating me like I look like an idiot.”

It’s still tough, working with all sorts of people for my job. I wear a pronoun badge often but I don’t usually get gendered properly. I’m not the type to keep correcting people, I’m too laid back. I just let it go and find my validation from within. I’d love to continue to shimmy further away from the binary, but at the end of the day, I still feel like most people see things a bit too black and white for me.

It’s hard because I love where I’m from in a lot of ways, I just don’t think I want to go back to that being the norm though. I have searched all over the world for my queer community, where I don’t have to think twice about what I present as.

6. Are there parts of your inherit masculinity you’ve ever felt like you had to work to unlearn?
Being stoic and not talking about my feelings when they come up has been a huge hurdle to unlearn, and something I think society teaches boys and men to consider masculine.

I absolutely think I used to look at masculinity as being “fine” with everything and not letting my emotions come to the surface. I didn’t think it was ok to not be ok. It’s such a damaging way to live for myself and the people closest to me, I see so many men suffer through this too.

I’ve had to learn to be brave, to confront feelings and let them breathe and trust that I’m safe to speak about them. It’s practice, it’s really hard work. The toughest thing in the world for me is to be able to articulate complicated emotions without intellectualizing them OR letting them get out of control and spin me out. Learning it’s ok to not be ok has changed everything in the way I see myself and my masculinity.

@sage__x__

I live and work in Naarm/Melbourne (Australia). I moved here about 12 years ago, because I grew up in a predominantly white, cis-het area , and as soon as I could leave, I did. There was no-one like me there. I did not see myself in anyone there. I never experienced the life changing, affirming butch nod that I now occasionally get on the streets of Melbourne or day trips to the country.

I am a social mentor and disability support worker for queers. I am so deeply passionate and connected to the work I do.

What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?

I once ended things with someone because they told me they hated Tegan and Sara, and that they were both faking being gay. Also, In my baby dyke days I was in a throuple, and when it broke up, I started dating the couple’s best friend, which turned into one of my longest, loving and fulfilling relationships, who is now my ex but my best friend in this world. Classic dyke behavior.

Tell us about a time that being butch positively impacted your life.

Being butch positively impacts my life every day. Being butch is my favorite thing about myself, something I’m proud of and brings me joy. This identity spills out into every facet of my life and that’s something I feel is deeply positive. Its a constant in my life that I feel vehemently connected to and proud of, as well as my queerness and transness. Something that I embody, embrace, love, care for, treat well and scream at the top of my lungs on rooftops for. Being butch positively impacts my life in so many ways, mainly because it brings this confidence, I never thought existed in me or was possible for someone like me, it brings me the ability to be soft but tough, the ability to be my complete self- something I have always been afraid of, and to exist outside of what society expects of me.

What is something about your butch identity you feel like no one understands?

Butch is not just an aesthetic, although it is as well. Butch is a whole way of being, a beautifully layered identity that goes far beyond flannel and jeans (although that come’s with it too). It’s the energy and it is who I am and it is something that has always been with me. Something I feel straight people don’t understand is, being a non binary butch absolutely does not equate to me being a man. My meaning and expression of masculinity is far more expansive.

What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

It has just been successfully ticked off, but being photographed for Butch Is Not A Dirty Word.

It has just been successfully ticked off, but being photographed for Butch Is Not A Dirty Word.

It has just been successfully ticked off, but being photographed for Butch Is Not A Dirty Word.

What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?

That sweet, sweet gender euphoria. I’m searching for it everyday, but I’m hoping this will be found next year when I have Top Surgery.

What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?

That being vulnerable does not make you weak. That you’re not weak and there is no shame in accepting help and support. I used to believe this. I’ve come along way, and still have a long way to go, but talking about your feelings and emotions is hot!

How do you feel like you embody masculinity differently from what is expected of you?

I love being able to rewrite what masculinity means and to be able to wear it proudly without it having to fit in a small rigid box.  Being able to embody masculinity in a way that is not toxic, unhealthy or tragic, which were the only ways it was represented and shown to me growing up, which was harmful. Masculinity and butchness defies societal norms and expectations.

What’s the most difficult thing about being Butch?

I think the most difficult things about being butch is the misconceptions and assumed roles expected of butches and not being seen as multi dimensional people. That walking down the street being visibly butch can open you up to a lot of misunderstanding of you and your identity, discrimination and some very strange invasive questions

Are there parts of your inherit masculinity you’ve ever felt like you had to work to unlearn?

If I believed what was fed to me about masculinity I wouldn’t be able to truly be me; I couldn’t be tough but soft, stern but gentle, fearful but courageous, independent but affectionate, shielded but vulnerable. It has been a long road and its been hard without good, healthy representation and role models, which should now be better for the baby butches.

@jeds.mccreath

My name is Ki Harris, I was raised in Houston, TX but now live in Austin (ATX). I was competing in the Texas Relays the first time I visited ATX. I was still closeted and living a double life as a teen– exhausting, to say the least. My relationship with my girlfriend was a secret kept from everyone in my life except my two closest friends. I remember exploring this city and identifying with the “Keep Austin Weird” sentiment locals like to tout. As corny as it sounds, I really did see it reflected in the people and the culture. For the first time, I saw folks like me really living fearlessly and authentically, out loud, in public, and in the daylight.

I made up my mind then and there that I would do whatever it took to make a life for myself in this city. I applied to the University of Texas at Austin and the rest is history, really.

Recently, I started a business to serve my local queer community. As a stylist, tailor, and designer, I am a resource for folks who break traditional gender norms when it comes to style. I feel pride especially in serving those who identify as non-binary, genderfluid, gender-nonconforming, and/or LGBTQ+. Swankki is a brand and service that celebrates and encapsulates the extraordinary ways we adorn our bodies to express ourselves.

1. What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?

The funniest memory from my dating life is probably my coming out story. It’s so ironic to think about what felt like the scariest moment in my life turning into the funniest after all these years. Since I was in high school, living at home and fully lying about my whereabouts half the time, it was only a matter of time before my mama’s intuition forced me out of the closet.

I was spending time at my girlfriend’s house. It was innocent. We were cuddled up in bed watching Law & Order: SVU when my mama called to see when I’d be home. I assured her my speech and debate competition would be over soonish and I’d be on my way, all of which were lies. I was literally laying in my girlfriend’s bed at the time with no sense of urgency to get back home. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone or at least I thought I had– rookie mistake….

My mama stayed on the line and eavesdropped just enough to confirm her suspicion. When I actually did get on the road, I called back to let her know I was on my way and she confronted me about what she had heard. I was caught, thankfully so in hindsight because I don’t know how else I would’ve garnered the nerve to come straight out and say, “Yes! I’m gay and my girlfriend is too!”

2. How does being butch positively impact your life? What’s been / what is the hardest thing about being butch for you?

As someone who gets “sir-ed” on a regular basis, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that my perception of myself and how others perceive me are not always going to align. It says more about them and their limited mindset than it does about me. I used to get really agitated and would go out of my way to make it clear to the offender that I was indeed a woman, a “ma’am” if you will. It all seems so silly to me now, a waste of time and energy. Like, how could I pride myself on defying gender norms in my presentation and self-expression only to pigeonhole myself when it comes to language?? I answer to any pronouns now as long as you’re polite, and it has been so freeing. I’m still on this journey of self-discovery and being butch is only one part of the puzzle.

3. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

Butch doesn’t inherently mean hard or cold. I’m soft despite the world’s many attempts to harden me and force me to be something I’m not. I will always take pride in being soft and malleable because rigidity is a result of fear.

4. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

Financial freedom is on my bucket list. The possibility of earning passive income while traveling the world gives me a hard-on every time I think about it.

I’m black. I’m queer, and I’m a butch woman. I sometimes refer to this trifecta/intersection as a “triple threat”, because there are more folks against me than for me. I’ve worked extremely hard for everything I have, and I’ve come to understand that the invisible forces working against me compound with each identity.

As black folks, it is instilled in us that we must work twice as hard to get half as far. Now imagine stacking two more historically oppressed identities on top of that. As I get older, I understand more and more that this harsh reality is what my mother was trying to protect me from all those times she insisted I hide and suppress my true self. The older I get the less I hold that against her, because she really was just trying to protect me the only way she knew how.

5. I thought I’d always be at odds with my mama; turns out people really can change.

I thought I’d always be at odds with my mama; turns out people really can change…

@swank_ki

I’m Rhye. I am a trans-masc non-binary butch, my Mum is Indonesian and my Dad is Australian. I grew up in Australia but spent the last 5/6 years in Ireland, where my partner is from. It is funny in itself reading those lines back to myself, as they are all identities I spent a portion of my life not wanting to be. All of these identities existed in the ‘in between’; mixed race, non-binary, and living between two countries that are on opposite sides of the world.

Amongst I thought of my body as the DMZ; an area of conflict, something I wanted to escape, something to fear. I guess in all of it, I came full circle. The identities that I spent the most time running away from are now the lining of the cloak of self-love that I wrap myself in and through all those ‘in between’ zones, I learned to find a home in my body; my safe haven. Cheers to therapy right?

1. What is your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life?

I don’t know if this is what the question is, but once when my partner of nine years and I were visiting an art gallery in Edinburgh. It was unsurprising raining and in winter, so our gloves were wet. We got into the gallery and were arranging our things when she picks up the wet glove and slaps me in the face with it. We then proceeded to chase each other through the museum, hysterically laughing and slapping each other in the face with these wet gloves. We were laughing after imagining that we knocked a statue over or something, and when the museum director asked us how it happened, we’d have to explain that we were chasing each other to slap each other in the face with a wet glove.

2. How does being butch positively impact your life? 

Being butch was something that I rejected for a long time. When you grow up with so many societal norms that vilify any hint of masculinity in anyone that isn’t a cis guy, it’s not something you initially aspire to be. But then I learned to start shedding these predetermined pathways that we are conditioned to move along and undoing what was expected of me. In it, I learned to embrace being butch/ masc and be the goddamn twink-butch I was destined to be.

Through it I leaned into being a protector, to be chivalrous, to be soft, to be vulnerable to love harder, to love myself.

3. What’s the hardest thing about being butch for you?

The hardest thing is the lack of representation, and feeling like we are seen and held in the queer community. Ultimately you just want to, and for lack of better words, to feel hot (said in a Paris Hilton accent). But in truth, it is really hard to aspire to something when only a two-dimensional male-centric image is represented. Cheers to more bottom-butch hot joy. To representation of butches being complex (like everyone is) but without trauma.

4. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?

The hardest thing is the misconception of masculinity or butchness; that it is synonymous with being aggressive, hard, or toxic. Like it runs in parallel to toxic masculinity. In truth, being butch has bought more tenderness out in me. While butch is not a homogenous group of people, I wish there was a better understanding of the softness that exists. That it embodies so much more than iron-clad flannel-wearing motorbike riding lesbianing. But don’t get me wrong, I too aspire to that, but I am also here for the vulnerability, tenderness, and love that exists adjacent to it.

5. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?

There is a load of people that I am learning from and continue to learn from. But to be the biggest cliche, my therapist is high up in the ranks. To have a safe space each week, for all your information to be confined to the four walls, to have someone unbiased on purely on your side, who holds a mirror up to yourself, but also helps you dissect your traumas, is such a privilege. I truly won’t be the person I am if I hadn’t committed to doing the work on myself and having someone by my side through it all.

 

My name is Mariko Yoshiwara and am more commonly known in the queer and art community as Riko. I go by she/her pronouns. I was born and raised in the greater Portland metro area, specifically the East side. Portland has always been a safe place to be myself and explore the many parts of my identity. Portland provides quick access to the quietness of nature, the vastness of forests, and live music. All the reasons to stay in Portland.

I spend my life doing the things I love, connecting with people, and living with purpose. For 13 years carrying the identity of a teacher, it was an easy way to describe who I was and what I did. Now, it is not as easy. I barista most mornings and fill my afternoons with maintaining my art business around pyrography. I enjoy playing pool and spending as much time outside as possible, camping, paddling, snowshoeing, neighborhood walks, etc. Overall, I have found purpose to be living as authentically as possible and connecting with people and communities to help cultivate deeper human experience and connections.

I engage in opportunities that allow me to fulfill this purpose, especially through art expression. The newest venture is spoken word and sharing my stories with others. I recently applied for a Tedx Talk in Massachusetts.

1. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s the hardest thing about being butch for you?

I had never identified as being butch before being invited to participate in this interview, but since I was, it got me thinking, and I have evaluated what “being butch” is. I suppose being “butch” is all the parts of me that do not conform to the gender norm. In that case, the most positive thing about being butch is I get to express myself, move and engage with others in my most authentic and organic way. The hardest thing about being “butch” is being labeled as such. Being labeled has always felt restricting to me. I agreed to participate in this interview because the world views me as butch, and if that’s how the world sees me, then I want to be seen as the “butch” I am. Not the “butch” the world wants to sees butches as.

2. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?

I don’t blush easily, but I want to buy property and live in the woods. I want to create a dream space for community where there are goats and art. A space where people explore themselves and grow from connections with others. A space that is safe and empowers creativity and inspires self-exploration.

3. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?

Honestly, I have learned the most from myself. With the support and gentle nudges of my therapist along the way. People, experiences, and culture have provided a vast amount of learning opportunities. I have learned from all of these. I believe learning is growth and by experiencing these moments and people the growth happens in the mindset I choose to move through it with. Exploring myself, reflecting on external impacts and evaluating how I feel and where I end up is my true learning through my own lens of the world around me. Moving through the world with patience, self-grace, a growth mindset, and curiosity are my best learning tools.

4. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?

I am currently stepping into a chapter in my life where I address the unfulfilled parts of myself. I taught for 13 years; thought I would retire as a public educator. I became stagnant and felt trapped. There was this growing pain of unfulfilled experiences. I left teaching a year ago, without a plan. I am now surrounded with a life I could never have imagined with opportunities ahead of me that I could never have dreamed up in my most dreamy dreams. I established a small business and am taking workshops to learn how to be an entrepreneur. I am making and selling art. I am sharing my stories and experiences through writing and spoken word. I am connecting with new communities and feeling an abundance in opportunities in the future of the unknown.

6. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?

The best thing I have been wrong about is ever thinking or assuming I had anything figured out.

@myoshiwa