Author: info@esthergodoy.com
Butch Whispers: Taylor Scoma
Butch Whispers: Mariko Yoshiwara
My name is Mariko Yoshiwara and am more commonly known in the queer and art community as Riko. I go by she/her pronouns. I was born and raised in the greater Portland metro area, specifically the East side. Portland has always been a safe place to be myself and explore the many parts of my identity. Portland provides quick access to the quietness of nature, the vastness of forests, and live music. All the reasons to stay in Portland.
I spend my life doing the things I love, connecting with people, and living with purpose. For 13 years carrying the identity of a teacher, it was an easy way to describe who I was and what I did. Now, it is not as easy. I barista most mornings and fill my afternoons with maintaining my art business around pyrography. I enjoy playing pool and spending as much time outside as possible, camping, paddling, snowshoeing, neighborhood walks, etc. Overall, I have found purpose to be living as authentically as possible and connecting with people and communities to help cultivate deeper human experience and connections.
I engage in opportunities that allow me to fulfill this purpose, especially through art expression. The newest venture is spoken word and sharing my stories with others. I recently applied for a Tedx Talk in Massachusetts.
1. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s the hardest thing about being butch for you?
I had never identified as being butch before being invited to participate in this interview, but since I was, it got me thinking, and I have evaluated what “being butch” is. I suppose being “butch” is all the parts of me that do not conform to the gender norm. In that case, the most positive thing about being butch is I get to express myself, move and engage with others in my most authentic and organic way. The hardest thing about being “butch” is being labeled as such. Being labeled has always felt restricting to me. I agreed to participate in this interview because the world views me as butch, and if that’s how the world sees me, then I want to be seen as the “butch” I am. Not the “butch” the world wants to sees butches as.
2. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?
I don’t blush easily, but I want to buy property and live in the woods. I want to create a dream space for community where there are goats and art. A space where people explore themselves and grow from connections with others. A space that is safe and empowers creativity and inspires self-exploration.
3. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?
Honestly, I have learned the most from myself. With the support and gentle nudges of my therapist along the way. People, experiences, and culture have provided a vast amount of learning opportunities. I have learned from all of these. I believe learning is growth and by experiencing these moments and people the growth happens in the mindset I choose to move through it with. Exploring myself, reflecting on external impacts and evaluating how I feel and where I end up is my true learning through my own lens of the world around me. Moving through the world with patience, self-grace, a growth mindset, and curiosity are my best learning tools.
4. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?
I am currently stepping into a chapter in my life where I address the unfulfilled parts of myself. I taught for 13 years; thought I would retire as a public educator. I became stagnant and felt trapped. There was this growing pain of unfulfilled experiences. I left teaching a year ago, without a plan. I am now surrounded with a life I could never have imagined with opportunities ahead of me that I could never have dreamed up in my most dreamy dreams. I established a small business and am taking workshops to learn how to be an entrepreneur. I am making and selling art. I am sharing my stories and experiences through writing and spoken word. I am connecting with new communities and feeling an abundance in opportunities in the future of the unknown.
6. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
The best thing I have been wrong about is ever thinking or assuming I had anything figured out.
Butch Whispers: Amber Jones
I’m Amber Jones, my pronouns are any and all, lol. I don’t really care what people perceive me as. But she/her is totally fine by default. I was supposed to be Jordan Jones because my mom’s gynecologist told her that I was a boy. I mean, he wasn’t 100% wrong. I pretty much feel like a boy/girl hybrid. I think that my parents didn’t go with the name Jordan because they didn’t feel that it was feminine enough for a girl. Surprise Surprise! I’m a dyke now. What a fucking plot twist.
I’m from Southern California. I jumped around between Compton, Carson, Long Beach, and Downey. I’ve never lived in the heart of LA, but I love to be there. There’s always something to do. Truly never a dull moment. You can make an entire day out of Los Angeles, you just need a lot of patience (lol).
I live in SoCal because my family is here, my friends are here, and everything that my world is comprised of, is here. Sometimes I get the urge to leave, to venture out. After college, I might see about leaving for a while, planting roots in another place, one where I have to form new bonds and familiarities. The thought of it is both riveting and fucking terrifying, we love nuance.
I love spending time with my friends, aka my chosen family. I love to skateboard whenever I get the chance. But the thing that I hold dearest to my heart has been the most consistent thing throughout my life; It followed me to young adulthood, and that’s books. I’m a huge bookworm, book hoarder, and word nerd. Any of those terms is preferable. Books served as a means for escapism when I was a child, but as I got older, their purpose expanded. Books have now become a means of growth. When reading, I become self-aware of my blind spots and weak points. Books serve as my portal to self-reflection, a looking glass of sorts. My favorite genres are horror, memoirs, and any literature by black-feminist scholars.
1. Tell me your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life.
My funniest memory from my dating life has to come from 2021. I was visiting my girlfriend (and her family) in Philadelphia. For context, we were long distance, but of course, we were long distance, I’m a lesbian. It’s a rite of passage. Anyways, we’re in her childhood bedroom, her parents aren’t home, only her two sisters. So we’re in the room proceeding to be intimate, and we keep getting interrupted by knocks on the door. For the last knock, I get up to answer. I must’ve been flushed or guilty looking because her sister smirked and said, “Keep your hands to yourself.” I was so embarrassed at the fact that we were semi-caught, but looking back on it now, it was extremely funny. There is no privacy in an Arab household, but there’s no shortage of hospitality.
2. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s been / what is the hardest thing about being butch for you?
I think that being butch positively impacts my life because it has made me comfortable with other people’s discomfort. In most rooms I enter, I often times feel like a political statement. People don’t know how to address me, or how to place me. I like this aspect of butchness. My gender nonconformity is a direct fuck you to gender norms. I am directly telling you that you can not put me into a box, I will not comply, and you do not have to like it, we do not have to be friends, but you will respect it. On the other hand, the hardest thing about being butch is the dating scene. Historically, I have dated femmes and they are great in so many ways. However, I find that at times, I’ve often been unfulfilled in these romantic interactions. Typically, there are unwritten rules which I am to follow. Sometimes I find myself being expected to pay for everything, to drive us everywhere, to make the first move, to be hyper-sexual. I am both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by my recent dating experiences over the summer. Though, I did end up making an absolutely brilliant, talented, and gorgeous friend out of it.
3. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?
I think the most important thing about my butch identity has been my ability to stay soft. Everything about the world seems to try and mold me into something different. But my strength comes from staying soft, understanding, considerate of the needs of others, and my own. I will never allow myself to harden, the world can not take my softness from me without my permission. This is something that I wish people could gauge about me at first glance. However, I’m heavily tatted for my age and butch. People tend to associate these things with the opposite of softness, I hate it.
4. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?
Oof. This is a great question. My hearts racing just thinking about it. The thing that is on my bucket list that makes me blush, is the idea or fantasy of a femme touching herself in front of me, not allowing me to touch her. I’d have to sit there and watch, preferably in cuffs. Bonus points if she’s in my lap while doing this. I’m going to get around to this someday, and you’re going to have to interview me for a follow-up.
5. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?
Going to get a little personal here, but I’ve learned a lot from my father. I don’t mean this in a typical father-daughter way. This is for the butches with daddy issues, it’s our time. Anyways, some of the biggest lessons I’ve learned have been through observing him. I am conscious of the damage that alcohol can do to you in excess. I know that putting your hands on your partner is never okay, and domestic violence is NEVER okay. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from him is that I want to be nothing like him. This is not to paint my father out to be a monster, but I am painting him out to be flawed. We are all flawed, some more or less than others. I think it’s safe to acknowledge that.
6. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?
Something in my life that’s gone unfulfilled, which I’m still searching for…this is a hard one. Mainly because it forces me to delve into myself and ask the question. I think that something that has gone unfulfilled is understanding love. I don’t mean this platonically, I have this in a lot of my closest friendships. But romantically, I don’t think I’ve ever had an understanding love. Someone who doesn’t try to push me, who gives me room to be unapologetically myself. My last serious relationship came pretty close, but we were just babies trying to figure it out. We did great with the resources we had. I love her for that. I love us for that. However, In my next stage in young adulthood, I want the next love of my life to be understanding. That is the most gentle form of love, just being understood. Even when it doesn’t make sense. I will communicate when I can, but I need someone to understand that I can’t always put everything into words. Sometimes I just want to be held while I’m reading a book or listening to a podcast.
7. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
The best thing that I have been wrong about would have to be people’s ability for acceptance. There have been times in my life when I’ve had to express great vulnerability to another person. And the self that I was at the time didn’t think that I deserved acceptance, so when that person accepted me and embraced me for who I was, that was mind-boggling. I had no idea that people like that existed. But that gesture was everything and it changed my life, my perception of self, and the world around me. Wherever you are right now, Sy, thank you for giving that to me. You changed my life.
Butch Whispers: Jo Cosme
My name is Jo Cosme and I’m from Río Piedras, Puerto Rico. I’ve lived all my life in Puerto Rico, but currently I am living in Seattle. After Hurricane María, I lost my job and was displaced. I moved to the Northwest to start over and find a more economically stable circumstance so I could also help my mom back home .
I am a visual artist. Whenever I’m not at my day job, I’m usually working on an art project or launching new stuff for my shop: Tienda Bandida.
1. Tell me your favorite or funniest memory from your dating life.
I think one of the funniest things about my dating life is that I perpetually never know if it’s a date or not.
2. How does being butch positively impact your life? And what’s been / what is the hardest thing about being butch for you?
In Puerto Rico, being gay still hasn’t been socially accepted. So, to no surprise, if you’re a butch – you will be subject to all forms of violence, ongoing ridicule and unemployment. Growing up Catholic and in Puerto Rico, I internalized all the misogyny, butchphobia and lesbophobia that surrounded me for many years. I was so ashamed of myself because I was unable to act or look like a “normal” woman. I hated myself for not being born a man. For years I tried to destroy these parts of me, which led to a lot of self-destructive actions and identity issues. Later, when I began to make peace with my butchness, many women I dated or went out with would expect me to act like a man or treated me like one – which wasn’t healthy either. I found myself projecting many toxic masculine traits and I hated my body.
Fast forward, after a lot of growth and work – I’ve begun to heal my butchness. In time, I learned how to be soft, how to practice healthy masculinity, and build relationships with women who could love me for who I was and what I had to offer (not their projections of me). My butchness doesn’t make me any less of a woman nor does it make me any less feminine. Masculinity and femininity co-exist beautifully within me. Only through accepting my butch self could I find this sense of balance. It’s a work in process, but I’m learning to love the many, many grey areas inside butchness and what it means to be a Puerto Rican butch lesbian woman.
3. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?
I can’t limit it to just one, but here are a few important things for people to know about MY butchness: One, as this page states – Butch is NOT a dirty word and it is NOT a bad identity. Don’t come at me with that “You can be a lesbian, but just don’t be butch” narrative. Hard pass. Two, there isn’t a correct way to be butch. There’s no such thing for me as, “too butch” or “too soft to be butch”. And because I’m butch it doesn’t inherently mean I’m gonna be in command at all times – I also wanna be asked out, cuddled and cared for. Three, butches have always existed and we have always been disrupting the gender binary and the heteropatriarchy. And lastly, because I’m a butch it doesn’t fundamentally mean I want to be anything other than a masculine woman. I wish people would stop misgendering or questioning me when I have already stated who I identify as and what pronouns I use.
4. What is something on your bucket list that makes you blush?
Something that makes me blush? All I know is, that Hard Femmes make me blush point-blank.
5. Who or what have you learned the most from in life?
In high school, I had a very influential teacher who later became the big sister I’d always dreamed of as an only child. She not only provided me with a safe place from the bullies in the classroom, but she also helped me develop my critical thinking skills. She exposed how being LGBTQ was perfectly normal and helped me navigate depression and my neuro-divergent brain. Her guidance could not have come at a more crucial time. This experience taught me how undervalued educators are in our society. Some teachers out there really do save lives.
6. What’s something in your life that’s gone unfulfilled that you’re still searching for?
A lezbro that lives close to me. My current ones live far away and I miss having that everyday closeness of picking each other up randomly at our houses, going to play pool together, watching movies, keeping each other updated on the current chisme, etc.
7. What has been the best thing that you’ve been wrong about in your life?
That I’m not strictly a top. Aaaaand with that I learned I don’t have to be one just because I’m butch.
Butch Whispers: Cari Cambpell
Butch Whispers: Breanna Chico
I’m a third generation Mexican-American Butch Lesbian, eldest daughter confronting all the machismo that permeates mi cultura and living proof that healthy masculinity exists. I’m originally from Whittier (where the girls are prettier) currently living in Palmdale, CA. When I was in middle school lack of rent control and budding gentrification pushed my family out of our Chicanx Barrio and into the high desert of LA County where rent was cheaper and the streets were supposed to be quieter. As much as the clear blue skies and peaceful hiking trails of Palmdale have a place in my heart, I plan on moving back to my hometown eventually to rejoin all the beautiful gente still there holding it down for the Brown.
I work as a political/community organizer, it’s something I came into by necessity. I was working as a forklift driver in a warehouse (a right of passage for many a butch) and began attending my Union meetings in the hopes of securing a living wage and safer working conditions. Nearly seven years later I’ve staffed campaigns on the state and national level, lobbied on Capitol Hill and worked to defund the LA County Sheriff’s Department, all while still showing up as a rank and file member for various anti-capitalist organizations that prize direct action over the indirect actions of voting and lobbying. It can be tough to balance electoral organizing in my professional life while being so critical of it in my private life, especially when my “comrades” are critical of the way I sell my labor. I strongly believe in utilizing a diversity of tactics and find it’s easier to show up as a Brown Butch Dyke in a workspace with a bunch of bleeding heart liberals, no matter how flawed they can be, compared to the toxic masculine environment of the warehouse.
1. Tell me your funniest memory from your dating life.
During the primary season of the last presidential election I was working the debate in Atlanta and my partner at the time came out to join me. Halfway through our stay we realized Bernie Sanders was staying in the same hotel, on the floor directly above us. So yeah, I had gay sex a few feet away from Senator Sanders. You’re welcome, America.
2. What’s something you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 12?
I think of this often, if 12 year old me saw present day me in the grocery store or something she would be in awe. I would be her hero. I was Butch since birth and every adult told me it was a phase that I would have to leave behind when I grew up. When I started high school I tried to do just that, I was a poor excuse for a femme and for the first time felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I spent many years disconnected from myself and my passions. When I embraced my butch identity everything in my life begin to fall into place. I also wish I knew that my friends were going to be more supportive than I could’ve imagined and that I was gonna have some smokin’ hot girlfriends. Like seriously, if I would’ve known that one day I’d be in a Venice beach house with my partner the hot stripper I would’ve came out as soon as I knew. We are, after all, an army of lovers.
3. How does being butch positively impact your life?
Being a woman who identifies as masculine of center has given me such a comprehensive perspective when it comes to what this society asks of people based on how they show up. Butch is often overlooked when the gender spectrum is discussed. When I encounter people who have genuine questions on what it means to be Butch the conversation always goes to a place where it becomes difficult to pin point where femininity begins and masculinity ends. It’s all the human condition, it’s all natural. Every time I set foot in public or post a picture of myself I know my gender bending appearance and personality is not only challenging people’s perception of masculinity and femininity but their entire perception of reality. I’m blessed to have this experience in this life. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
4. What is the hardest thing about being butch for you?
It’s still troublesome to have to engage with folks who think that they can strip me of my womanhood just because, in their eyes, I’m not feminine enough to call myself a woman or use she/her pronouns. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with this kind of mentality a lot from so-called progressives, leftists, family and even exes. From the time I was a child I was always asked “are you a girl or a boy?” “No you’re not, prove it!” and still at the age of 31 I deal with this.
It isn’t easy to heal from a wound that is constantly being picked at and being someone who doesn’t mind having deep discussions on gender and identity it’s easy for me to fall into the trap and not realize until it’s too late. I’m learning how to identify the people who want to break me down and that I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but it’s a process.
5. What is the most important thing about your butch identity you wish people knew?
My Butch identity is also a celebration of my heritage. I know it can even seem contradictory at times since the Mexican/Chicanx cultura is dominated by flippant misogynists. It’s important for us to have a space in the conversation and be visible. Queer and gender nonconforming Mexicans have always existed and we contribute to the community as well. I remember being young and seeing my dad and tíos in their Ben Davis shirts and creased down Dickies and wanting so bad to dress like them. It just seemed like the epitome of masculinity to me. Tough but elegant, edgy but disciplined. I think about all the queers of generations passed who couldn’t come out because Mexicans aren’t allowed to be gay, because being a Marimacha meant bringing shame upon your family. I see a huge shift in the Chicanx’s of today, conscientiously moving away from that conquistador mentality of classism, anti-black, anti-woman, anti-indigenous and embracing our roots. I know we’re making this shift because we want our cultura to survive and if we don’t heal ourselves and our families this machismo death cult is going nowhere.
6. What is one thing that you’re really proud of?
I didn’t realize this was something to be proud of until a few years back when I was talking to a group of queer 18-20 year olds and they asked me, “how did you do it?” the question caught me off guard because to me there was no option, you have to live and try to live your best possible life but I see what they were getting at. How did I get to where I am with no Butch mentor or community? It brought me back to when I read Stone Butch Blues for the first time and being fixated on Butch Al. For weeks I found myself asking where was my Butch Al? Why didn’t I have one? Well I know why, AIDS epidemic and all the anti-gay laws that essentially were attempts at genocide of queers if you ask me. At this age it’s too late for me to have a Butch Al, I’m all grown up now and have figured out the Butch ways, from navigating the barbershop to romance and heartbreak. Until they asked that question I didn’t realize I was relatively safe now and that I had lived so much of my life in survival mode. I’m proud to be a Butch in the workplace, in the political space and in the hetero world taking up space.
Butch Whispers: Lil Kalish
My name is Lil and I currently live in East Los Angeles. I grew up in Santa Monica on the Westside but in my adult life, I’ve moved all around the county and the world. When the pandemic hit, I was in London studying for a master’s degree and decided to come back to live with my folks in Los Angeles for the foreseeable future. Now I live in lovely a queer POC house in Lincoln Heights with two small dog friends.
I work full-time as a journalist covering a variety of things, ranging from surveillance tech and politics to queer and trans health and reproductive justice. In my work, I like to investigate and uncover corruption by powerful companies and individuals while bringing to light movements and people who are erased in mainstream media.
In my free time, you can most likely find me in the kitchen with a hefty haul of fresh fruits, vegetables, and hard-to-find spices. Or going on long walks in Mount Washington or at the Silverlake Reservoir with my binoculars in tow in search of birds. Pre-pandemic, I was a bit of a party animal and loved the thrill of dancing while sandwiched between sweaty strangers. I’ve recently found a dance studio near me that focuses on movement and improv work which I find super nourishing and a chance to be present with my body and others.
1. What does the butch identity mean to you? And how did you come to align with it?
I never thought I would align myself with the word “butch” but over the last few years I’ve leaned into it more and more into. I often call myself a “boy dyke” – I see that phrase as encompassing my relationship with boyishness and transmasculinity as well as my life as a dyke. I never felt butch enough. As a kid, I knew I wasn’t the kind of butch white woman I’d see scantly depicted in media. Over time though, I learned about the history of the phrase butch which has its roots in Black lesbian and working-class history. I found it to be more radical of a term than I had first thought. Although butch is sometimes seen as a hardness, a masculine toughness, for me, butch identity has been an exercise in being soft not only with myself but the world around me and of being of service to others. I love being able to hold and evoke any of the markers of my identity at once, being a boy dyke in one moment to a butch bottom or a fag in the next.
2. What is one thing that you’re really proud of?
Honestly, I’m really proud of myself at the moment for taking the steps to feel at home in my body. I started a low dose of testosterone about seven months ago after obsessively reading transmasc literature for about a year and wondering if I could live with myself without trying hormones. I’m so glad I did. These past few months have taught me a lot about embodiment, about breath, and patience. I’ve never been so in tune with what my body is doing; I’ve never had to let go more than now. Beyond the physical and emotional changes, this experience has really pushed me to listen to my wants in a way that I couldn’t have imagined doing just 5 years ago.
3. What’s the queer / dyke scene like where you live and what’s one thing you’d change about it if you could?
The queer scene in Los Angeles is pretty small for such a giant and sprawling city. Before the pandemic there were numerous queer dance parties and a handful that were run by and for people of color. The city also has a long history of radical queer organizing and nightlife. But since the pandemic hit, it seems to me there’s been a bit of a slow rebuild though new things are popping up every day, from queer sports meet-ups to café hangs and more. The best dyke scene I’ve witnessed so far was in London where there were truly a myriad of different community spaces, for Black dykes, South and East Asian queers and sober folks to name a few. Los Angeles definitely has the resources and the space – so I’d love to see more non-white queer and trans spaces, not only for dancing and performance but for community and movement building.
4. Where do you hope to be ten years from now?
In ten years’ time, I hope to be living outside of the US, with a community of queer and trans artists and writers of color. I hope to continue learning about gardening and woodworking. I’d like to have a slow-paced life, one that allows me to take hours-long walks if I so please. I hope to have a large kitchen for myself with a long dining room table so I can feed my friends. I hope to be writing and have a writing practice that includes friends and co-conspirators so I’m not working solo. I also hope to be in community with friends and lovers and family. I imagine there may be children to raise collectively, mouths to feed, gardens to tend to, histories to write, record, and archive with care.
Butch Whispers: Salvador de la Torre
My name is Salvador de la Torre, it is the name I gave myself because of my deep connection to my grandparents and ancestors. Salvador was my maternal grandfather’s name and he was the most loving and tender soul of a man I’ve ever known. I didn’t come to this name overnight tho, I meditated and prayed about it asking for guidance from my ancestors and trans friends. A snake’s head appeared to me in a meditation, slitering sounds that became clearer and clearer to me “sssssssssaaallllllllvvvvvaaaaaa” the next day I knew Salvador was my name because I remembered I already had it tattooed on my chest years prior in honor of my grandfather whom I loved, and I realized that I have the answers within me already.
I currently live in Los Angeles, because it was a dream of mine as a kid. I grew up in Laredo, Texas, but spent my summers in southern California visiting my older siblings for I am one of 7 kids and the second to the youngest. My other sisters married when I was a kid and made a life in this area. Some of the best memories of my childhood are spending time with my siblings here, so I came here as soon as I was able to support myself and leave Laredo which was about 8 years ago in 2013. I arrived as a straight heterosexual woman because I never felt safe enough to come out while living in Texas, and for that I am grateful to this land for it brought me closer to myself. I’m a high school art teacher, where I am openly out a trans faculty because my school is pretty liberal and I want to been seen by my trans students and others around me that are potentially still closeted. For fun I like to tattoo my friends and other trans and queer community, and I fucking love to dance Cumbia with queers and my dog Vida.
1. What’s something you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 12?
I would want to tell them so much and protect them from so much harm from others and myself, but mostly I would want to hold them, soothe them, tell them how loved they are, and how eventually they would grow up and learn to love themselves.
I wish they knew what trans was and that being gay is not bad or sinful. My 12 year old self was living in Laredo, Texas, would go to every church, confession, and pray every time we went in the car with my family. My parents are from a small town in Jalisco Mexico there families are extremely traditional and even more catholic.I only had heard of 2 intanses of queer folks in my childhood. One story was of these 2 señoras that lived together for a lifetime. Everyone in the town knew they were marimachas even though those women never told anyone that they lived where each other’s partner. The other story hit closer to home, this one was from my uncle that died when I was 5 from HIV Aids because he was a gay man. Thus, basically I learned it was not socially accepted to be gay, and if you were gay you had to live a secret life and die from it. I was petrifed of my queer thoughts as a kid and would deflect them with all my might and energy. Eventually I would slip and allow myself to fantasize about women, only to later tourture myself and punish myself with my negative thoughts that would manifest themselves as panic attacks, vomit, and diarrhea.
2. What’s the queer / dyke scene like where you live and what’s one thing you’d change about it if you could?
There are all types of dyke/ and queer scenes in LA, and I honestly try to avoid them all. I don’t like popular kids or popular queers in la and don’t want to belong to cool queer spaces. My community of queers and trans friends are honestly pretty spread out and its really hard to make plans to hangout with people in this area because of how exhausted people are from work, traffic, parking, and how spread out folks can be. When I do have the time and energy to have intentional time with friends it is usually in small groups or just one on one with a friend. I do however really love pop up events and dance parties that are facilitated by bipoc folks like Cumbiaton and Van Dyke pop ups. I also love to throwing myself birthday parties to dance Cumbias and Reggeton with my gay ass friends.
3. What does the butch identity mean to you? And how did you come to align with it?
As a kid butch was the coolest thing ever. I really loved watching my dad dress up for church or for a party. He would wear cowboy boots and fancy belts with big buckles I even loved his work uniforms when he was a bus driver and a custodian, and as I young kid I was allowed to dress butch or like a tom boy. I would always love to wear sneakers with s
Butch Whispers: Caley Murray
Heyo! My name is Caley Murray and I live in Portland, OR. I’m the program director at Rock ‘n Roll Camp For Girls and I’m a big ol’ butch dyke 🙂
1. You’re given $20,000, how would you spend it?
If I was given $20,000, I would put up a privacy fence around my yard and buy a jacuzzi.
2. What’s something you know now that you wish you’d known when you were 12?
I wish when I was twelve that I knew that I was gay and that I didn’t have to fit into the mold of womanhood presented to me by society and my family. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my mom and our neighbor while they did their nails together. They would try to get me to let them do my nails and I always refused. Except for one time, they convinced me to let them put clear polish on me. I regretted it immediately. I hated the chemical smell it gave off and the way its shine distracted me when I was doing something with my hands. I rubbed my fingers in the mud until the shine was gone. They would tell me. “It’s a shame because you have such nice nails. One day, you are going to love doing your nails, and you’ll be begging us to do them!” I believed them. But that day never came. I never woke up one day and suddenly decided it was time to shed my tomboy skin and femme it up for the boys. It makes me laugh just thinking about the fact that I ever believed that would be my fate. But when you are young and don’t know who you are yet, it’s easy to believe the people around you who seem so sure of how everything is supposed to be. I wish I had known how to listen to myself and trust my own desires and preferences despite the opinions of others.
3. Scroll back through your phone and describe the 5th last image to us.
It is a picture of my pet rats, Tuna and Rosie, snuggling with their noses together in their cardboard box sky condo.
4. Where do you hope to be ten years from now?
Ten years from now I hope to be still madly in love with my wife, living on the Oregon Coast, self-employed as a sound engineer specializing in live sound, and producing my own music as well.
5. What is one thing that you’re really proud of?
I am really proud of the life my wife and I have built together. Things were not easy for my family during my childhood. I was raised by a single mother of three. My mom made eleven dollars an hour and my absent father didn’t pay child support. I was a parentified child who took on the role of father to my little brother. I started working at a fast food place when I was fourteen years old. I remember being stressed out about money and whether or not we were going to lose our house all the time. It was exhausting. I decided that my goal when I grew up was to have a simple, childless life with the security of a peaceful home, and an equal partnership with someone I could trust completely. Having come from a family of divorce, I was skeptical about whether or not this possibility even existed. I would picture myself in my future relationships being an all-sacrificing, super solid butch who took care of her partner’s every desire and never needed anything in return. But over the years, I discovered that my idea of my role in a relationship wasn’t sustainable. The hardest thing I had to learn to do was let my partner take care of me in return. It’s hard to let your guard down and be vulnerable in that way, but I don’t think that you can have a true partnership without being able to lean on each other. I am proud of the ways I have grown and evolved as a person and a partner over the last eleven years with my wife.
6. What’s the queer / dyke scene like where you live and what’s one thing you’d change about it if you could?
I feel like I have been pretty detached from the dyke scene for the last couple of years because of Covid. I do miss the days when we used to have our own dyke bar. As I get older, I find myself wanting more opportunities to interact with dykes outside of the partying and dancing scene. I find it easier to meet new people when there is an activity involved and you can actually talk and get to know people and flirt. Like, instead of just dancing in bars all the time, let’s watch each other throw knives and then sit around a campfire. And I have always been envious of the gay cruising scene and wish that there was more of a slutty butch for butch cruising culture in our area.
7. How does being butch positively impact your life?
Being butch positively impacts my life by allowing me to easily be seen by my fellow dykes and queer community. If you’re as butch as I am, you are very rarely mistaken as straight. I am grateful that I don’t have to endure the burden of coming out to the majority of the people I meet. Also, being butch and a top, I have never had a problem finding a date. :Insert top shortage joke here: There is a lot of desire out there for butches, which I really appreciate.
8. How does being butch negatively impact your life?
Being easily clocked as a butch dyke is a double-edged sword. I receive a lot of hostility out in the world, especially from men. It usually comes in the form of disapproving sneers and looks of disgust. Every now and then they will do something bolder, like yell a slur or shoulder check me as they walk by. Old people glare at me a lot. I get told that I am in the wrong bathroom. I cannot hide what I am. I have gotten really good over the years at returning the disapproving looks or sometimes even asking gawkers if I can help them with something, which usually freaks them out. Sometimes I wish I could just blend in and go about my day in the world and not have to deal with normies who don’t know what to think of me.
